For Ruby
by Sanorace
Summary: Ruby is a modern troll. She wants more than just the traditional courtship ritual of getting hit on the head with a rock and Detritus will give her anything to prove his love. He makes a promise to bring her a beautiful rock every day. He shows devotion that extends long after marriage and love that endures through his entire life.
1. Chapter 1

Ruby is a modern troll. She wants more than just the traditional courtship ritual of getting hit on the head with a rock and Detritus will give her anything to prove his love. He makes a promise to bring her a beautiful rock every day. He shows devotion that extends long after marriage and love that endures through his entire life.

* * *

**" He'd gone down to the beach and found a rock. But not any old rock. He'd searched carefully, and found a large sea-smoothed one with veins of pink and white quartz. Girls liked that sort of thing. "**

**Terry Pratchett (Moving Pictures)**

* * *

In the drizzly streets of Ankh-Morpork there was a bar and in that bar there was a troll and to Detritus she was the most beautiful troll in the world. His heart soared at the sight of her rocky body dancing on that stage. Her voice echoed like a bear in an ancient cavern. Ruby was dazzling and for the time being she was Detritus' girlfriend. She was also the disc's first troll feminist.

"You have to do things right. You have to court me," said Ruby. The show was over and something in her silicon brain told her that it wasn't.

"What should I do?" asked Detritus.

"I… I want… um."

Trolls were not known for being romantic but Ruby knew there had to be a change. All of the human courtship rituals seemed to have backfired on Ruby. She wanted something better and new but still uniquely trollish. It couldn't be just a gift. There had to be a promise.

"I want rocks," she said.

"Rocks?"

"No, not just rocks, you have to give me only the best rocks like the one you…" Ruby blushed. The memory was sweet even if it hadn't gone so well. "When you hit me over the head, back then, you used the most beautiful rock. I want rocks like that."

"But that was when we were in Holy Wood. The whole place is covered in sand now," said Detritus. "I'll never find it."

"That's okay. I didn't really like that one anyway," Ruby lied. "I want a new rock from you every day. I want only the best you can find. They have to be rocks not stones and rock shaped but not quite rock shaped. Well, maybe rock shaped but definitely not stony. Pebbles are only good if they're rocky. I want rock sized rocks that aren't too much like rocks."

The human language is severely lacking in words for rocks.

"Should I hit you with a rock each day too?" asked Detritus uncertainly.

Ruby still wasn't quite sure what she wanted, but hitting your intended over the head with a rock was very traditional. On the other hand, everything she was doing was going against tradition. That was kind of the point.

"Um… no, I mean yes. You should hit me … but you have to do it romantically."

"How do I do that? I've only ever hit someone the same way."

"That—that's why it's important!" she shouted. Trolls don't improvise well so they make up for it by being loud. "I don't want to get hit just like anyone else. I want to be special, a special rock for a special troll in a special way."

"Oh… but what are you going to do with all the rocks?" asked Detritus.

"I'm um, I'm going to keep them."

"You're not going to eat them?"

"I'll put them somewhere so I will have special rocks from you."

She said it in a way that it should be obvious to any cultured troll. Detritus was suddenly very nervous. He had never been a very refined troll. It wasn't long ago that he was chained to the wall of a pub like a cross between a bouncer and a guard dog. City life was still confusing to him. Suddenly everything was very complicated and the heat made his thoughts muddled. Things were so much simpler back in the mountains.

"You're going to keep them?" he said timidly. "But what if they're not good? You'll have a bad rock."

"If they're not good enough then you're a bad rock," said Ruby turning her back on him.

Detritus crumbled anxiously. The prospect of having something permanent was a new idea to him. Trolls don't really care about property, territory yes, but not property. The dwarfish love of hoarding never made any sense to him.

"But if you keep the rock then you'll have to carry it around with you or it could get stolen," said Detritus.

"Can you really be that stupid?" said Ruby glaring at him.

Detritus started to panic. If he need a place to put things he just put them on the floor, but that wasn't good enough for a lady like Ruby. She should have a grand cave like the posh trolls in the mountains. There had to be stalagmites and maybe even bats. A troll with bats in his cave was so knobby that they didn't even bother eating them.

"I uh… but there aren't any caves in Ankh-Morpork," said Detritus.

"A house maybe?" said Ruby impatiently.

"No way, that's not good enough! It's just not right!"

Detritus was an idiot even by troll standards. He could also be a bit too traditional at times. Ruby held his hand as tenderly as a troll can.

"These are modern times," she said sweetly. "You have to adapt. Houses are trendy right now. You don't want me to look uncultured do you?"

"You have more culture than anyone! I will get you a house with lots of room to put all your culture. No one will say my Ruby's uncultured."

* * *

Detritus had rented out a small stone building around Quarry Lane. And by 'rented out' he meant evicted the previous tenants in a uniquely troll-like way. It was built flush to an ancient wall that had years ago surrounded the city. It was a house that looked as much like a cave as he could find. Ruby wasn't at all happy.

"You can't just steal a house, you dumb rock! You have to pay for it!" Even as she voiced her dissent Ruby started making herself comfortable. "That's crime. No proper troll would steal things."

Ruby shoved a large wooden table out a gaping hole in the wall. The roof was still intact but the interior had seen better days.

"Oh it has a cellar too." Ruby said happily. "This is nice."

Ruby smiled at Detritus and hugged him awkwardly. It wasn't exactly a gesture that translated well to the hard rocky bodies of trolls.

"It's beautiful. I can keep many things here, many things that you give me." Ruby said gleefully. "But that doesn't mean I'll let you get away with stealing. When those people come back you have to pay them."

"But I don't have any money," said Detritus.

"Then you better get some money or you'll be a bad troll."

"Can I steal the money?"

"No! You have to get a job. You want get married, you get a proper job, I'm not gonna marry a troll what people say, that no good troll, he's thick as a short plank of wood."

* * *

So Detritus got a job. Then he was fired and got another job which ended on an embarrassingly sour note. He got another job then another. Unfortunately most of his employers were disinclined to write a letter of recommendation so Detritus had to stick with entry level thug work. It wasn't great, but at least they paid him most of the time. Detritus usually gave his earnings to Ruby and every day he found her a new rock.

The rocks were amazing, each one beautiful in a different way. The first rock had been enormous and now sat outside the house covering the hole in the wall. Ruby had to explain to him the restrictions of dimension.

* * *

In time, Detritus got a job on the Night Watch. They even gave him a new name to add to his old one. He was now Lance-Constable Detritus. He rather enjoyed having two names. It was like being a spy.

The first day on the job made Detritus' world explode with color. He made friends with a dwarf named Cuddy. It was an accomplishment that defied centuries of interspecies hatred. He learned to count and got shot at. He got stuck in the Pork Futures warehouse and almost froze to death. He fell into a sewer, found a dead body, and got a bitchin' new crossbow. Lance-Constable Cuddy even made him a cooling helmet to help clear his thoughts. He was a really good friend even if he was a grit sucking dwarf.

The next day Lance-Constable Cuddy died.

It was a curious thing. Detritus had been brought up his whole life to hate dwarves and he still hated them, but Cuddy wasn't a dwarf. He was a watchman. Detritus had wanted to learn more from him but the world doesn't always turn out so nicely. After Mr. Vimes' wedding Detritus went back to the watch house and stared at his new helmet. Before he met Ruby, he wouldn't have bothered keeping sentimental things, but now he understood why she wanted to keep the rocks that he gave her.


	2. Chapter 2

Detritus took his promise to Ruby quite seriously and brought her a beautiful rock each day. Ruby loved them but Detritus always felt they were inadequate. The city of Ankh-Morpork was built on loam and the remains of its ancient ruins. The only rocks were used to build houses and walls. All stones had to be imported or recycled. So in order to find better rocks for Ruby, Detritus decided to take on some of the watch's body guard assignments. He would escort important people to other cities and keep them safe from bandits or in some cases assassins. All and all, it was a pretty good gig.

At one point, Detritus took over the task of safely bringing a wealthy merchant to distant Borogravia.

No one really lived in Borogravia. It was just a stop on the road to more important places, but the largest sturdiest bridge over the Smarl River was in rimward Borogravia so it had gained popularity with merchants transporting heavy loads. The whole country was very traditional so there was inevitably a troll living under the Pyrites Bridge. Her name was Jade and she owned it.

She also had two growing pebbles. As soon as Detritus crossed into Borogravia, Tuff and Talc were on him.

"Hey, you're a policeman, right?" Tuff asked. It sounded almost like an accusation.

Detritus smiled. He liked children, but never really felt comfortable around them. He was used to hitting things that he didn't understand, but even trolls have morals. Pebbles were soft for the first decade or so of their lives. It was an unwritten troll law that you couldn't hit them until their rock bodies had hardened completely. The conflicting instincts always made his head hurt.

"Of course he's a policeman," said Talc. 'Look, he's got a badge."

"Could be fake, I'm gonna need to see some ID," Tuff ordered.

"You can't say that to the watch! You'll get arrested!"

"I don't have any ID other than my badge," said Detritus not sure what was going on.

He looks a bit shifty to me," Tuff whispered to Talc. "I say we interrogate him. He could be a spy."

"But there's no war," Talc whispered back. "You can't have spies without a war."

Detritus was getting more and more uneasy by the minute.

"What's your name, spy?" Tuff pointed a finger at him with angry suspicion.

"Sergeant Detritus." He had to hold back a sudden reflex to salute.

"See, he's got two names. That proves it," Tuff whispered conspiratorially to Talc.

"You idiot! Sargent means he's an officer! That's something bad!"

"How do you know?" accused Tuff.

"Because, um, the guard on the bridge told me," said Talc hesitantly.

"That guard is a dwarf. You can't trust dwarfs. He probably lied to you to get you scared."

Detritus was going to argue that point but it was most likely true.

"Hey Detritus," said Tuff, "Check this out. I swiped it from a dwarf mine!" Tuff waved a black rock in the air.

"You liar!" said Talc. "You got that out behind the stables."

"No, I swear! I went right up to a mine shaft and nicked it. It's got gold in it no doubt."

"It doesn't even smell like dwarves!"

"Well, I didn't say that it was an active dwarf mine."

"Wait, is that a black glass stone you have?" asked Detritus. He tried to catch Tuff's flailing arm so he could get a better look at it.

"Yeah, what's it to you?" asked Talc snatching it out of his brother's hands.

"Um, I'll trade you for it." Detritus wished he had brought some money.

"All right, I'm listening. Hey give that back!"

"It was mine to start with!" shouted Tuff. He held the rock out of Talc's reach.

"You weren't gonna do anything with it," said Talc.

"I was too! I was going to do a biz-ness tran-sack-shun with Detritus. You're too little to know how to do it."

Detritus watched the two young trolls argue in the same roundabout way of children everywhere. He chuckled when they started to fight each other with stony fists still too soft to do any damage.

"Oh, no," said Detritus in mock dismay, "Now I can't tell who's rock it is. I'll have to find two things to trade for it." Detritus pulled the boys apart. "I'll go get you each a rock from a real dwarf."

Tuff and Talc looked at Detritus in awe. He walked straight up to the dwarf border guard on the far end of the bridge. The luckless dwarf desperately tried to act busy as he approached. It didn't work.

"Constable, see that loose stone? That's no good. Someone could trip on that. We don't want any accidents right? Now pick up that stone."

"Yes sir."

"And uh, that one too."

"Yes sir."

"I watchman's job is to keep the streets safe to walk on."

"Yes sir…"

"Okay then, good job. Gimmie those rocks."

"Er, yes sir?"

"Thanks."

"… Don't mention it?"

Detritus hustled back to Tuff and Talc with the cobbles.

"There you go. Two genuine dwarf rocks I got from a real dwarf."

The young trolls grabbed the stones. Their little eyes sparkled and the black rock was immediately forgotten.

"You two stop bothering the sergeant. He has more important things to do than to put up with you." Jade had exited a nearby shop and walked up to collect her children.

"Oh, they're fine really," said Detritus.

"Thanks for being understanding. They just don't have any respect," Jade frowned and crossed her arms. "Now we're going home and no more runnin' off, you too Tuff."

Detritus picked up the discarded black stone and watched the children walk away with their mother. It made his heart ache.

Next, Detritus took a mission to escort a dignitary to the border to Lancre where a different set of guards would take over. It was a long journey but the cool air did wonders for his brain. All trolls think better in cold environments. It's just part of being a troll. Detritus had seen hundreds of beautiful rocks on the way there but he only ever picked them up on the way back. It was a professional courtesy not to get dirt on a rich man's carriage.

Usually the destination didn't matter much to Detritus, but this time he would be seeing a good friend.

"Bauxite, I got you're black glass stone. Sorry it took so long."

Two border control trolls had stopped the procession. One of them stepped away from the front carriage and trudged through the snow towards Detritus. He looked at the stone with childlike glee.

"You're sorry? Don't be stupid. That thing's amazing! I didn't really expect anyone to remember let alone bring me one."

"You're a good officer. You deserve it. The boys miss you."

Bauxite started checking the closest carriage as he talked.

"I know, but this is where I'm stationed right now," he said. "I can transfer back at the end of the year. Where did you get this stone anyway?"

"Yeah, it was kind of hard but I found a troll rimwards of Borogravia who had one and I traded for it."

"Oh damn, I didn't want anyone to have to go that far. Now I feel like silt."

Bauxite scrawled his name on the bottom of his official checklist and moved on to the carriage at the end of the line. The troll at the front glared at them.

"It was just a little trade." Detritus said.

"A little trade? Borogravia's a stone's throw from Uberwald! That place is nasty. I have to pay you back somehow. I've got half a dollar."

"What? No, I can't do that. It's just a rock."

Bauxite hit Detritus on the head jovially. "It is not just a rock! I've been looking for one of these for years. My girl will be so happy. I was thinking of proposing to her and now I've got the rock to do it! This is perfect!"

Bauxite leaned against the carriage and examined the stone closely. He gave it a cursory lick. Detritus shrugged his shoulders.

"You have to make sure you do it right," he said. "I really messed up with Ruby."

"Is it true she makes you hit her with a new rock each day? That's harsh. You must have blown it big time for that."

"What? How did you find that out? Wait a sec, Ruby isn't harsh! She's a lady and deserves the best."

"If you say so, mate. Here, when you come back next month to escort the dignitary back, I'll have some rocks for you to show your girl. There are some really good ones downriver. I can get Big Jim Beef to help me out."

Detritus glanced at the troll stomping towards them angrily.

"Don't count on it."

Commander Vimes called Detritus into his office. He had been trying to get through some paperwork and was in a bad mood. Then again Commander Vimes was always in a bad mood. It had gotten worse since the Patrician promoted him. Promotions meant more responsibilities. More responsibilities meant more paperwork.

"Maybe you can tell me why you are suddenly so eager to go on escort missions, Detritus. You've been spending a lot of time outside of the city lately," said Vimes.

Detritus stood perfectly still. It wasn't a hard thing to do when you're made of stone.

"I've done all the body guard assignments just fine. None of my people died. I would have known because of them looking dead and all."

"I'm not questioning your abilities. You completed all the jobs and that's great. What I want to know is why you're making such a point of going to other cities."

"Because um, there aren't any rocks here," said Detritus uncomfortably.

"You don't say." Vimes narrowed his eyes at but kept a blank face. Detritus tried to break the silence.

"I need to go other places to get rocks," he said.

"That's either the dumbest lie I've ever heard or it's the most well executed lie I've ever heard. Someone put you up to this didn't they?"

"Yes…"

"Why?" Vimes asked sharply. It had been a long day and it was only going to get longer.

Detritus couldn't lie to his Commander but he still wanted his promise to mostly stay between him and Ruby. It was a troll matter. It just felt wrong to tell a non troll about it.

"It's kind of personal," he said.

"Sounds like blackmail," said Vimes flatly.

"No it's not like that, I swear!"

"Sure it's not. Are you dropping things off or are you picking them up?"

"I pick up only the best rocks sir," said Detritus with pride.

"Quality control?"

"Um… I guess so."

"So what are you smuggling? Slab?"

"No! I wouldn't give that sort of thing to her!"

"Her?" Vimes paused a few seconds to rearrange his thoughts. "This has something to do with Ruby, doesn't it?"

"Yeah but I still don't think they're good enough…"

"Wait a second, back it up. Someone told me you were drug trafficking."

"I wouldn't do that! That's rationally illegal."

"Then what the hell are you moving around rocks for?"

Commander Vimes stared at Detritus with the irritable expression of a man who hates the world and everyone in it. It was the kind of look that said, 'When I inevitably snap, you are the first person I'm going to kill.'

"Well, you see, I have to give one to Ruby each day," said Detritus softly.

"Are you telling me that's trolls have rock collections? That makes less sense than those freaks who put pins in delicate little books."

"It's not really a collection. It's a promise." Detritus looked at the floor.

"It's part of your vows?" guessed Vimes.

Detritus blushed with his chin to his chest. Vimes rubbed his forehead.

"None of my other men have this problem."

"That's because they're not as cultured as Ruby is. She told me—"

"Stop, just stop. I really shouldn't be listening to this. Since now I have lived my life blissfully unaware of troll romance and I wish it to stay that way. As long as you're not doing anything that is or should be illegal, I'm fine with that. I'll tell Corporal Ping to cool off. Just don't let this get in the way of your performance."


	3. Chapter 3

So far Detritus had managed to keep his actions somewhat secret among the non-troll officers. Everyone knew he picked up rocks, but he refused to tell anyone why. The watchmen had given up mostly and just ignored them. Dorfl however, did not overlook things, ever.

"Why have you been stacking rocks at each of the watch houses?" asked Dorfl.

"It's a cultural thing," said Detritus. It was the go all excuse for pretty much anything.

"Cultural or not, you will remove them from the yards. They have become an obstruction."

"But I can't just get rid of them. They're special."

"You will move them or I will."

Dorfl could back up that threat too. He was a clay golem. He never slept, never tired, and never stopped. The only thing stopping Dorfl from destroying the city was his own excessively practical ideals about morality and self-worth. Detritus briefly explained to him about Ruby. It seemed the safest thing to do.

"I usually bring back a few of them each day and decide which one is the best. Then I just pile the bad ones wherever I'm stationed that day. Don't tell anyone, please."

Despite being a hollow automaton, Dorfl possessed a wide range of emotions. They didn't quite line up with average human emotions, but humans aren't exactly the best species to emulate.

"But there are so many," he said.

"I've been bringing her rocks for a long time," said Detritus.

"If you keep this up your piles will become more than just a nuisance."

"But what am I supposed to do with them?"

Dorfl thought for a moment. You could almost imagine his thoughts spinning around in the empty space behind those glowing red eyes.

"Stones are a common building material," he said.

"You want I should build something?"

"With the amount of rocks you have collected, you could construct a new watch house."

"I can't do that!" said Detritus. "These are special rocks. They're rocks meant for a lady. Of course they're not good enough for my lady, but maybe someone else's lady. No, I can't do that either! I don't want anyone else using my stones. They're mine. I picked them special, but none of them are good enough."

"I understand that you live in a rough part of the city. If you build a house in a nicer area then the value of your substandard rocks will increase."

"A house? You can't just make houses. You're supposed to buy houses."

"You can construct whatever you like if you own the land."

"So I need to buy dirt?"

"You buy space. If there is dirt in that space then you get to keep it. If there is a house in that space then you get to keep that too. Whatever you put in that space is yours."

"So I buy a property and I can keep things in it. It's like a house. You put things in it and you own what's in the house. Then that means when you own land, you own a house that has not been built yet. That makes sense."

"It does?"

"Yeah, if the house had been built already then it would be there. Cus there's no house then you have to make one. Then you have a house that you already bought. Then in the future you can see it in front of you."

"… Yes, that's exactly what it means…" Dorfl's face was unreadable. He had a poker face that would rival the Patrician.

"So how do I buy a house that isn't a house yet?"

"Land is expensive. You will first need to save up to buy it. I will allow the stones to stay temporarily."

"All right, make money, buy a house that's not a house yet, and then build a house with the rocks. That's easy."

"Mr. Vimes, can I talk to you?" Detritus asked.

"I'm a little busy here. What do you want?"

"I mean inside, sir."

"Can't this wait?" said Vimes crossly. He was once again in a sour mood.

Detritus jumped at the chance to postpone the conversation but that meant he had more time to fret over what might happen. It wasn't like he was afraid of his superior officer. The Commander of the Watch was an angry man but no matter how many times Vimes denied it Detritus knew he was a good copper.

Vimes was the kind of man who lived two entirely different lives and somehow found a way to despise both of them. It was quite an accomplishment to hate being rich and powerful.

"So, what's this all about, Detritus? I don't think you've ever asked me for a private meeting."

"Well, you see," said Detritus. This had seemed so much easier when it was just on the to-do list. "I kinda want to buy something from you."

"Just come out and say it. I really don't have time for this."

"Can I buy some land from you, sir?"

Vimes blinked. This was one of the last things he thought he would be talking to Detritus about. He sighed.

"Is this watch related?" asked Vimes.

"No…"

"Then you'll have to come to my house after work and talk to Sybil."


	4. Chapter 4

Detritus stood at the gates of the Ramkin estate. It had been a long time since he last visited the house and this was the first time he'd ever been there out of uniform. He rarely ever felt nervous about anything, but this was different. This was important. This was for Ruby.

Detritus knew he had to be cultured around ladies so he would need to wear his cooling helmet, but a helmet wasn't knobby enough especially one so dinged up. In a stroke of genius Detritus decided to cover the helmet with a black top hat. He had even purchased a new black loincloth to match, but now that he was standing in front of the house, it didn't seem to be enough.

He knocked on the door with as much delicacy as possible and managed to not make any dents. Willikins answered. His face remained deadpan even at the sight of a troll on the doorstep but his hand instinctually moved down to his pocket.

"Can I talk to Mrs. Vimes?" asked Detritus in what he hoped was a polite voice. "Please?" he added because polite people were supposed to say please.

"You are Detritus, correct?" said Willikins noting the top hat.

"Dat's me," he said. "Umm, I mean, yes I am, good sir." Sounding posh was important too.

"Lady Sybil is in the dragon pens right now. Would you like me to show you to her?"

Detritus remembered that dragons breathe fire. That would be bad. Trolls didn't do so well around heat.

"Oh um… no thanks. I'll just wait until she's done."

"Please come inside then."

Detritus stood still for a second as he debated what he should do. It wasn't this hard when he came here as a watchman. He surreptitiously checked the bottom of his feet when Willikins' back was turned. He wished he had worn shoes, but he didn't have any posh shoes, only the ones that were part of the uniform. It occurred to him that he really didn't have _any_ clothes apart from his uniform.

Willikins showed him into the Light Blue Sitting Room.

"Please sit down. Shall I bring you a drink while you wait?"

"I, err, no thank you."

Detritus stood completely stiff. He glanced at the couch.

_He told me to sit down, but what if I break it? It could be really expensive like an antique or something. Maybe I should just stand, but no, I can't do that. I have to follow the rules. If I stand when I'm supposed to sit then I'll mess up._

The couch looked sturdy enough, but Detritus was extra delicate anyway. He had just sat down when Lady Sybil swept into the room. Detritus unconsciously stood at attention and saluted. He lowered his hand quickly and hoped she didn't notice. He wasn't supposed to be a watchman here. He had to be a gentleman.

"Detritus," said Lady Sybil. She wore a calm and disarming smile. "It's good to see you. You look rather handsome out of uniform."

"Th-thank you, ma'am." Detritus blushed a little and slowly sat down again.

Sybil took off her protective outerwear and joined Detritus around the coffee table.

"To what to I owe the pleasure?"

Detritus rearranged the words in his head and tried to make some sense of them. The book hadn't mentioned phrases. He decided to stay silent.

"What are you here for?" said Sybil politely.

"Mr. Vimes said that I should talk to you about, um, buying a property."

"Ah, Sam needs to stop handing off his work to me. He's the one who owns the properties."

"Really?"

"Yes it's traditional for the husband to have full ownership of any land, but Sam tends to leave the finances to me. He's a little lazy you see."

"Mr. Vimes ain't lazy!" shouted Detritus. He immediately froze. "Damn it, I didn't mean to say that. Wait, I didn't mean to cuss! I… I'm sorry…"

"No, no, it's quite alright. I find it admirable that you would so loyally defend him like that. I can see why he respects you so much."

"Mr. Vimes told you that?"

"He said you were very dependable."

"Oh, um, that's…"

The cooling helmet helped keep Detritus sharp but it was useless if he didn't know what to say. It just made him more aware of the embarrassing gaps between his words.

Sybil noted his discomfort and changed the subject.

"So you said something about buying property?" she asked.

"Yes, I want to build a house for Ruby and I want it to be someplace nice… not like I'm saying you would have bad places. I was just um…"

Sybil smiled and shook her head. She had never expected a troll to act this way, especially not Detritus. She could hear his cooling helmet whirling away under the top hat. Sam got like this sometimes too.

"Let me get my book," said Sybil. "I think I might have the perfect place for you."

Lady Sybil left and Detritus took the chance to try to calm himself down. It didn't last long. Willikins sidled into the room with a platter that held a surprisingly delicious variety of rocks along with human treats and mugs of ice water.

Willikins seemed to be watching him carefully. Detritus slowly picked up a stone that had been set on a doily.

"Wait, but this is…"

"Shall I bring you a different one?" said Willikins. "I do apologize for my ignorance."

"No!" said Detritus a little bit louder than he intended. "I mean that this is a rocky flat rock. You can only get them in Genua. This must have cost a fortune. I can't … it's um, thank you."

Willikins flashed a rare smile. It had genuinely unsettled him for a moment there. He took pride in his abilities as a butler. He had been unprepared and that was not going to happen again. Detritus gently replaced the rock on its doily and inspected the others. He felt a little less nervous about this. Food was easy.

"Oh that one is nice. The little carving is pretty. The red slant rock is one of my favorites."

Detritus popped that one in his mouth like a chocolate bonbon.

"This one's pretty good too. It's even got fissures in it. Some people don't like fissures but I think they taste more natural that way."

Detritus ate that one too. He cringed and passed over the others. He didn't say anything because that would be rude.

"Thank you for your expert opinion, Mr. Detritus. Would you be willing to test any more of my creations at a later date?"

"Oh yeah, sure dat's right. I'm real good at eating things."

Sybil returned with a large portfolio. She set it down on the table and opened to a map of the city where she had marked all of her properties.

"All right, what area of the city were you interested in?"

"Uhh," Detritus hadn't really planned past this point. "I want someplace nice. Ruby is a delicate civilized lady. She deserves the best." A far away expression passed over Detritus' eyes. Even after two years of marriage, he still had that same shy puppy love for his wife. "Perhaps someplace rocky?"

"I have a few properties at the base of the Tump. That's the rockiest place in the city."

"No, it's too far away from Ruby's friends."

Detritus examined the map closely. This was a big decision. He suddenly wished he had two cooling helmets on. Sybil waited patiently for a few minutes before getting up.

"I'll let you look over the properties for a while. When you need me, I'll be in the Orange Office. Take your time."

He waited for a bit to make sure she had gone. Then he took off his hat, grabbed a mug of ice water, and poured it over his head. The cold hit him immediately and the first thing that came to him was: _damn it, I'm gonna get water on Mr. Vimes' couch!_

He stood up just in time to stop the now dirty water from dripping onto the upholstery. The ice cubes had lodged themselves into cracks on his head and he was thinking quite clearly. The water felt creepy and unnatural on his back and his body felt stiff, but it was a small price to pay for Ruby's perfect house.


	5. Chapter 5

Why didn't anyone tell me that I've been spelling Nobby Nobbs wrong?

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Eventually, Detritus chose a clear lot not far from Hide Park. It was perfect in every aspect but price. Vimes ended up giving him an early Hogswatch bonus that covered half of it. He said that he was paying for Detritus' silence about how he got the money to buy the house. The circuitous logic went completely unnoticed.

Detritus shook with excitement as he took Ruby to see what he had bought.

"So you're finally going to show me what you've been saving up so long to buy me?" she asked.

"Yeah, it's gonna be the best gift ever."

Ruby grinned with unrestrained enthusiasm and Detritus uncovered her eyes.

"Ta dah! There it is!" Detritus beamed with pride. He didn't expect Ruby to hit him.*

"You idiot, you should've locked it up better! Now someone's gone and stole it!"

"No, it's there all right. You just can't see it yet because I haven't made it yet and so it's behind you 'til I finish. Then you'll be able to see the house."

"A house!" said Ruby. Her eyes brightened.

"I'm gonna build you a house all big and posh right here. I bought the house that isn't a house yet. It's called property. You own everything from here to over by that rock and to the street. The house can be anywhere in there. You can even make up where the rooms and stuff are and then we live here!"

Ruby was ecstatic. The land was in a nobby part of the city. She felt so powerful. She looked forward to being able to strut around in high society making those stuffy aristocrats seethe. They would be all uppity but could do nothing about it because she owned property there. It was a challenge that she was all too willing to accept. No blue-blooded human was going to stop her from ticking off the rich simply by existing.

The hard part would be figuring out how to move so many stones from the watch houses scattered about the city.

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* Well, he was maybe hoping to get hit but definitely not in this manner.

* * *

Cheery watched Detritus trying to think in the shade behind the watch house. It was a truly pathetic sight. Eventually she took pity on him and joined him on the pile of rocks.

"Is something bothering you, Detritus?" she asked. "You've been sitting here for a long time."

"I got to move these here rocks to Hide Park," he grumbled.

"Oh, yeah, you're building a house there right? Mr. Vimes said Vetinari isn't too happy about that."

"I bought it fair and square," said Detritus defensively. "I don't steal any houses not even if they're not there yet. I'm gonna build my house if the Patrician likes it or not."

Detritus was being unusually adamant about this. Most of the time he would only get serious about Watch matters. Cheery looked at him with a newfound respect.

"You're not going to build anything if your materials aren't there," she said. "Why can't you just use the wagon? It'll take a lot of trips to move all of this, but I think you could do it."

Detritus hung his head low. "I tried that but when I get off work the traffic's real bad and it takes forever to move them."

Most of Detritus' rocks had ended up in Psuedopolis Yard since the Watch started using it as HQ. They were top priority, but the central location meant delays.

"Can't you get Dorfl to help you?" Cheery suggested. "He can part a crowd better than Foul Old Ron and he doesn't sleep."

"He said he wouldn't do anything without getting paid for it," Detritus moaned.

Cheery sighed. Golems were very particular about cost, work, and compensation. It gave them a feeling of self-worth. It gave everyone else a different feeling all together.

"How about a tunnel?" said Cheery. "You can push a cart straight there without anyone stopping you."

"That would take even longer. I don't know how to dig a tunnel."

"Coincidentally," she said, standing up proudly, "I am a Dwarf. I'm good at this sort of thing. You see there are a lot of old forgotten basements everywhere in the city. You could probably just break down all the walls from here to Hide Park. If you do the breaking, then I'll navigate you in a straight line." Cheery hesitated for a bit and shrugged. "Well, it might not be entirely straight, but it doesn't really need to be. You'll just be pushing a cart. Actually, you'll have to carry the cart since there is no way it's going to be even."

"But I can't pay you." Detritus said solemnly. "I spent all my money buying the land."

"You don't need to if you let me use the tunnel too. It's not like you're going to be down there _all_ the time. Really, all I'm doing is pointing at walls. You're the one doing all the hard work."

* * *

The tunnel project worked surprisingly well. Cheery told Detritus that the route would only stay dry through the summer. Somehow the temporary nature of the project made everything more relaxed. The mistakes didn't matter much because it would all be flooded soon anyway and it was definitely not going to take three months to move those rocks. It was almost like a childish adventure. It gave them both a chance to distance themselves from their jobs and the constant weight that came from seeing things no one should have to see.

Ever since Constable Cuddy died, Detritus had avoided getting close to dwarves, but working with Cheery put his mind at ease. He didn't notice it at first but she acted differently down in the tunnel. She seemed at times more masculine, more dwarf like. She talked about gold a lot, which was strange because aboveground she never bothered to care about the stuff.

It was exciting. They were technically breaking dwarfish law but dwarves don't really care much about basement level digging. Cheery and Detritus went largely unnoticed. She had a good ear for identifying walls that were still in use, but there was one man who became quite irate when a troll came crashing through his wine cellar. He became much friendlier when he recognized them as watchmen. Cheery and Detritus backed out quietly in hopes that Commander Vimes wouldn't hear about it.

* * *

Dorfl had stubbornly stuck to his principals when Detritus asked him for help, but for some reason he agreed when Ruby asked. Dorfl donated some of his time to her. He carted stones from the farthest watch houses during the early morning when traffic was a little lighter. The process sped up considerably as soon as the tunnel came together. When she first saw the rock piles, Ruby stared, astonished at the sheer volume of stones that had not passed the test.

Detritus let Ruby plan the layout of the house. He had absolutely no interest in that sort of thing whatsoever. Pencils were too fiddly for him to use properly, but after a bit of experimentation, Ruby got the hang of it. The floor plan she drew was shaky, but still understandable. When Ruby finished designing her dream house, she gave it to Dorfl to review. He suggested building the small hubwards wing first so she and Detritus could move in while the work continued. Once the larger part of the house was built then they could just connect the two. It was a good idea so Ruby gave him the green light to lay down the perimeter as a guide to follow.

Then Dorfl overstepped his bounds. He wanted to cut the rocks into slabs so the building would be easier to construct. Ruby kicked him off the project for even suggesting it.

* * *

"It looks a little off…" Cheery said when she came to see how they were doing. "Maybe you shouldn't have fired Dorfl."

"He wanted to cut the rocks!" shouted Ruby in disgust. "You can't do that! These are special rocks not common cobbles!"

Cheery understood a little bit better than Dorfl that some rocks are sacred and unchangeable. It would be like someone suggesting chiseling a hole in the Scone of Stone just so it could be used as a privy. Cheery tilted her head a little and inspected the incomplete hubwards wing.

"You're still going to need some help keeping the walls straight and structurally sound. I can tell you right now that this stretch of wall is off balance."

"I'm not bringing Dorfl back into this!" said Detritus. "What if he tries to wash them?" A tremor passed through his body like an earthquake.

After much deliberation, Cheery went to Mr. Vimes and asked for his disorganizer. He was surprisingly happy to part with it. The disorganizer helped them with rock placement. It analyzed the building materials, blueprints, and progress for optimum efficiency. Soon Detritus and Ruby were back in business

Sergeant Flint came by to see what all the fuss was about and pointed out a problem. The disorganizer was following the drawing precisely, including all the waves and curves that ruby had accidentally placed because she was bad at drawing. By then it was almost impossible to get the walls straight again. The disorganizer tried and in the end, the walls almost matched the intended layout but only at the roof level. It created this kind of wobbly effect that looked unstable but really wasn't.

"It's kinda gaudy, ya think?" mused Sergeant Flint.

"Well, it's only one wing of the house, right?" said Cheery offhandedly. "It's not like they were building a giant iconic cathedral that could be seen from anywhere in the city."

* * *

Things were going so well that the world caught on and put a stop to it. The lost island of Leship had appeared in the middle of the Circle Sea and it was Detritus' duty to follow Vimes to war in the deserts of Klatch. Ruby hated the idea. It seemed like a foolish thing to do. Everyone knew that trolls avoided Klatch for a reason.

The day before Detritus was set leave, Ruby sat staring at the rocks at the construction site. She turned them gently, watching the sun glint off the facets. She could tell that her rocks were better than these but she didn't know why. These rocks were dirty but not in the same way her gift rocks were dirty. These ones had been sitting outside and the weather had washed away most of the dirt, even the rock part of the dirt in some cases, but that couldn't account for such a pronounced effect.

She tried looking at another one for reference. It was clear to her which one was better even though they were both just as pretty.

Detritus sat down beside her and picked up a nearby stone. He glanced over at her but didn't say anything. He placed the rock on the ground and carefully selected three more from the pile.

Ruby watched Detritus as he balanced the rocks delicately on top of one another. He squinted at them with concentration and added other rocks to the arrangement, weighing them in his hand before placing them. When he had finished, he showed Ruby.

The positions of the stones just felt right, made more sense somehow, like they were always meant to sit like that but no one had given them a chance to be together.

"That's amazing! How did you do that? It feels…" She wasn't quite sure what it felt like but whatever it was, she liked it.

"That's what happens when you put lady rocks together the right way. They feel nice."

"A lady rock?"

"Yeah, they're lady rocks because you're a lady."

Ruby's face turned a color more suiting to her name. She knew it was silly to think of herself as a real lady, but the way Detritus said it with such certainty made her believe for a second that it was possible. He made her remember her dream to shine in the spotlight back in Holy Wood when she wanted to dazzle people not just leave them dazed and glad for their life.

"Show me how to find the best rocks," she said to Detritus. "Then I can give them to myself while you're away."

It made perfect sense… to a troll that is. Detritus rummaged through the pile of rocks and pulled out three of the same type.

"Right, so um," Detritus fumbled with his words. "Rocks kinda have this feel but some of um feel more. It's like soul or somethin'. You get it right?"

Ruby nodded. She could definitely tell that these rocks felt more… real.

"So I met this old troll once. I mean real old, way past his Mountain Calling. He said that rocks are sorta alive because they can like remember things. It's like how red sponge rock remembers a volcano. Rocks are sensitive. They um, feel like the trolls near them just like trolls look like the rocks they grow up around. He tole me rocks absorb love and pebbles are born when all the life soul stuff comes together to start a chain reaction or somethin' like dat." Detritus handed Ruby one of the rocks. "What do you remember about that one?"

"But I've never seen this one before," said Ruby thoroughly confused.

"I mean you have to read it… um with your hands. Really good ones you can just look at and tell. They're louder, you know?"

Ruby turned the stone over in her hands then compared it to one of the other stones.

"This one's warmer," she said eventually.

Detritus beamed. "Yup, that's coz I picked it up on that superhot day last Grune."

"What? You remember the days you chose these rocks?"

"Of course not. The rocks do it for me. They remember where they've been and things that happened. This one I got in Lancre. You can tell coz of the lines here are all jankety. This other one has a lot of soul stuff so it can remember more."

Ruby gently took the rock from him and examined it closely.

"It's from real far away… like it was high up or deep in a cave?" Ruby paused for a long while. "It feels… lonely?"

Detritus shoved her with his shoulder affectionately.

"You're right! I knew you were extra special when I first saw you."

Ruby's grin was full of diamonds when she tackled him. They fell backwards into the pile of rocks, scattering them. She adjusted her body so that her crags fit into his fissures.

"Hay, Wait!" Detritus shouted, "Not here!"

"Okay then, let's go inside."

"But the house isn't finished yet. The roof isn't done."

"I was taking about the old one. I want you to sleep with all my lady rocks tonight so they'll remember you too."

* * *

Sergeant Flint explained to Dorfl his rock based foux pas and Ruby let him back on the team. She had no choice as Vimes was planning on taking the disorganizer with him to Klatch. Dorfl made up some lame excuse not to go to. He didn't want to admit that the house project had captured his interest so much that he wanted to continue while Detritus was away. But with most of the senior staff gone, the Watch was spread thin. Dorfl didn't have much time to devote to building but he still helped whenever he could.

When the tunnel flooded, it became apparent to Ruby that she needed more help. Unfortunately she had no money to hire people and she had lost her singing job at The Cavern, so she set up a shop selling lady rocks in the their old house at the end of Quarry Lane. She couldn't sell the ones that Detritus had collected, but she could sell the rocks she found for herself using the techniques that he taught her. She called the store Cultured Lady Rocks and manned it only when Dorfl was busy.

No one cared much about the rocks at first. Most of the profits came from her close friends and trolls who just liked to watch the aristocracy seethe. Even though the shop wasn't quite in the main troll shopping area, it still gained a little popularity as a place to hang out and complain about humans. Ruby made them buy lady rocks if they lingered about for too long. They were mostly eaten, but she didn't mind as long as they bought them.

Ruby always kept her personal rocks securely locked in the basement, but she left out the others. There was no way to lock a house with a huge hole in the wall. When she was away, the place was run on the honor system which meant that if you stole a rock then someone else in the place would remind you not to do that in the most troll like way possible. This was mostly done by one of the regular customers named Topaz.

"Why do you do that?" Ruby asked her one day.

"Cuz you're a lady o' course. Bad trolls like them gots to learn to respect a lady."

"But I'm not really a lady."

"Detritus think you are."

* * *

Ruby really wanted to surprise Detritus by finishing the house before he got back from the war, but it was taking much longer than she had hoped. As soon as she had the money, Ruby hired a boxer named Rocky to work part time. He was smart for troll standards and could follow Dorfl's orders more accurately than the other trolls who sometimes gathered around Cultured Lady Rocks.

'Cultured Lady Rocks', people had already started calling it 'Colors'. It was a name Sergeant Flint came up with by combining the words into something simpler. Trolls liked simple.

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Hah, did anyone recognize my Gaudi reference? No one? Really? You all suck. I bet you would have gotten it if I had created a character named Lloyd. Then I could have made Cheery say: "Frankly, Lloyd, right now the house looks really unstable."

Lol, architecture for the win!

Don't judge me.


	6. Chapter 6

The next chapter is going to be cute. Thanks for supporting me in writing this fic. I really appreciate reviews.

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Ruby had only managed to finish half of the main building by the time Detritus came back, but he was still overjoyed with the progress. He had found lady rocks for her and was anxious for her approval. Vimes only allowed him to take two of them home from Klatch. Cheery, however did not have that restriction and snuck a third one into her bag. Ruby let her choose a place to add that one to the house.

The ones from Detritus went into Ruby's private collection. The Klatchian rocks felt warm, lethargic, and light, like pillows almost. They were truly unlike anything she had ever seen.

"Can I ask you something?" said Ruby.

Detritus was instantly cautious. Usually he could tell what kind of question Ruby was going to ask based on her tone of voice. He could even tell the difference between serious anger, teasing anger, and passive aggressive anger. That was quite the feat and a point of pride for him, but this was different. Her voice sounded so unsure and Ruby wasn't the kind of troll who hesitated.

"Something wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong! I just wanted… I…"

Today Ruby wore her anger like a security blanket. Detritus found it downright adorable.

It was confusing though. He had never needed to interpret this sort of behavior before. He didn't even know what he had done or what was expected of him. He came to the conclusion that Ruby would probably tell him eventually or she'd clock him. He stayed silent and waited for things to make sense.

"I was thinking," she said. "We've been married for a few years now and I think… I want… maybe… a pebble…"

Those words floored him just as quickly as her best punch would. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't say anything. He saw Ruby shift uneasily as she waited for an answer. Even at their wedding, Detritus had never seen her like this.

He eventually stopped his futile efforts to talk. This wasn't a talking moment. He'd probably mess it up anyway. His mind flipped through different possible reactions to this. Trolls were very physical. A good slug to the head was at the core of romance, but Ruby wasn't just any troll. She was cultured and modern. She was a lady and should be treated kindly.

His brain fizzled away until all he could rely upon was his heart. He slowly reached out and took her hand. She looked up at him and his tentatively hopeful expression. The silence stretched between them until Ruby smiled.

"Really?"

Detritus nodded his head and blushed. Ruby tackled him to the ground and laughed merrily. Her diamond smile seemed to shine brighter than the stars.

* * *

It was called Groophar, which roughly translates to 'big change.' Pebbles need a catalyst to start the chain reaction that leads to growth. The longer a couple stays in the state of Groophar, the more likely a pebble will form. It's a kind of focused sleep with a shared dream. Upon awakening, the trolls experience a feeling of relaxation and rejuvenation that can last for days. Detritus and Ruby had never tried this. They had always done the shorter safer version called Ranadoo which rarely results in a pebble but still causes the same affect for about three hours.

Ruby looked positively radiant the next few days.

* * *

Ruby sat comfortably in the finished part of the house. The Groophar had been unsuccessful, but that just meant another opportunity to try again and it really did feel amazing. She looked out the window at Detritus. It was raining yet he was still out there diligently placing stones. She worried a little. Ever since he returned from Klatch, he had gradually started spending more time in the rain and taking on more night hours. He accepted only escort missions to places that took him out of the city. It was like he was purposefully avoiding her. Maybe the idea of having children was too scary for him.

There was one upside to it all. When Detritus went out in the rain without his Watch uniform on, Ruby could see all the stunning details of his rocky body, those parts that were normally hidden by dust and grime during the day. She loved watching him move while his stones glistened against any light that might hit him. She sighed and wished that she could see him like that every day. She wanted to be the only one who got to see those beautiful streaks of color.

* * *

Detritus continued his body guard assignments. It was exciting to go to new places, but he still loved seeing familiar faces in the cities that were more common destinations. He liked hearing about events that happened far away and learning about troll culture as a whole. His world was swiftly expanding well beyond the city walls.

This time he was off to Sto Lat again. He knew the route well and it was hard to find good rocks on that road. Most of the time, he just waited to get to the city to search. He hadn't been there ten minutes before he was accosted by an enormous female troll named Agate.

"It worked!" she exclaimed, towering above him. "It really worked! I am so glad you told me that story about your wife! I can't believe I waited so long for that coward to make a move when I could have just done it myself."

Agate was an older troll who had never gotten married due to her irrationally high standards. She ran a small transport business between Sto Lat and Ankh-Morpork. She was the kind of troll who demanded respect and results. In truth, she kind of scared Detritus a bit.

"Yeah, but it's real hard to hit a lady," he said awkwardly. "I was scared bad when I tried."

"You? Scared?" Agate gave him a good natured slap on the back that almost tipped him over. "I don't believe that! You faced down werewolves and stuff."

"What? No, I've never fought Angua. She'd kill me!"

Agate gave a dismissive shrug.

"I guess you're right about the hitting though. I did feel just a tad nervous when I did it."

Detritus tried to imagine the kind of troll that could make a girl like Agate nervous. He quickly stopped himself before his imagination got the better of him. Thoughts of escape wandered into Detritus' mind as the conversation continued. Something about her just made him feel like she was going to bite into him at any second and was simply waiting for him to lower his guard.

"Well, um, I'm sure you two will be happy together… um, I think I should just…"

Agate draped an arm affectionately over Detritus' shoulders in a way that could so easily change into a incapacitating strangle hold.

"But I couldn't have done it without you," she said. "I got something for you and your lady." Agate retrieved a rock from her cart. "Here, take this and show it to Ruby, then you have to tell me what she thinks of it. She can keep it if she wants. I hear she has a collection of the best rocks ever. It's so romantic."

"Er, thank you. I can add it to the house."

"Gods no, you have to tell her to put it in that posh store of hers."

Cultured Lady Rocks wasn't exactly what he would call posh. He was never really interested in the store. To him it was just one of those things that Ruby did by herself. The thought of gathering lady rocks specifically to sell left a heavy feeling in Detritus' chest. Something as personal as a proposal should involve a special rock specific to each troll. It made no sense to just buy one. He didn't agree with Ruby, but he kept it to himself. He knew the shop meant a lot to her.

* * *

Police work isn't always exciting. Detritus' only role on his trip to Pseudopolis was to be a troll. It was something stupid and political so naturally he was sent with the party as a token diplomat. He wasn't even doing anything and no one cared just as long as everyone knew he was there. They didn't even mention his trip to Klatch even though they had told him it was the reason he was selected. A world traveler, they said. Integral to stopping the war, they said. Of course none of that mattered because who cares about a troll?

Detritus stood outside in the shade wondering how diplomatic it would be to just lie down and take a nap, when some trolls spotted him.

"Your Detritus right?" asked one of the trolls.

"Yeah, what's up?"

They were a young scruffy bunch of adolescents obviously trying to look cool by wearing lots of lichen. Detritus had the good sense not to point it out. He was only supposed to do that sort of thing to recruits. Detritus was well known in Pseudopolis for reasons he could never fully understand. It was like he was some sort of folk tale or something, but only the younger trolls were interested in it. They would tell rude jokes about how powerful he was and all the ridiculously exaggerated feats he had accomplished. It was all fun and games, an inside joke only shared by the younger generation. Detritus expected to be ridiculed and laughed at, but it turned out to be quite the opposite. The kids in Pseudopolis made fun of him but always showed him genuine admiration and respect in person. They would boast to their friends later about the things he had said to them and other trolls actually listened. It just made no sense.

The bulkiest of the group stepped forward, the rest of them clearly awed at his audacity. The apparent leader of the gang of trolls stood up straight and glanced at his friends to make sure they were watching.

"Okay," he said, "so you know how you're always carrying around those cool rocks? Well you go everywhere right?"

"He totally went to Klatch!" Another troll shouted, swiftly joining his leader.

"It really wasn't—" Detritus started to explain when the leader slugged his friend.

"Shut up Kurkar! I'm trying to ask a question!" he turned back to Detritus. "So you see, I was looking for this one kind of rock but it's not around here. Do you think you could keep a look out for it?"

Some of the other gang members held their breaths waiting for the answer.

"Sure, what kind is it?" Detritus said.

An excited grin infected the whole group. The leader looked smug.

"Black river rock," he said confidently, "It's supposed to be lucky."

"Black river rock ain't lucky," grumbled Kurkar, clearly resentful of his friend's success. "It's the red river rock that's lucky. Everyone knows that, Blurite."

"No he's right it's the black one," Detritus said. "I'll see if I can find one."

Blurite gave Kurkar a vicious I-told-you-so look.

"Oi wait," piped up a smaller member of the gang. "You've got a round pebble stone with you. Is that the one you're taking to Ruby?"

The group parted, obviously astonished at their little friend's uncharacteristic courage. His name was Elvan, but the group had many more colorful names for him that they never used in front of adults.

"Nah," Detritus answered. "I found a much better one that's on the road back. I'm surprised I didn't notice it before."

"Why didn't you pick it up on your way here then?" asked another young troll. He had grown so much lichen and moss that he looked like a knoll.

"Hey, don't you know anything, stupid?" said Kurkar. "It's all about light timing. You don't know about it then you're never going to get a girl."

"What! You've got to tell me!" shouted Blurite.

"You just made that up!" said the troll who was apparently aspiring to become a lawn.

"I didn't make it up, Crag! Detritus is really good at it," said Kurkar defensively. "He's a pro. Tell him."

Detritus surveyed the six skeptical trolls and wondered if it would be smarter for him to go back to the rest of his party and pretend he liked politics.

"Light timing is when you um, wait for a certain time of day before you pick up a rock. Some stones feel prettier depending on the light."

"Seriously?" Blurite said, squinting at him incredulously. "That sounds like some voo doo junk."

Kurkar's fist came down on Blurite's head, forcing him to his knees.

"Don't question the guru of lady rocks! Detritus has been collecting rocks each day for years. You don't even know!"

Detritus Beamed at the compliment and puffed out his chest.

"Yup, I've gotten good at finding the best rocks for my lady. There's a whole bunch of rocks on the roads that I really want to pick up but I'd ruin them if I disturbed them at the wrong time of day."

"That's just silly," said another young troll Detritus knew as Mylonite. "There's no way you can tell when you moved a rock."

"There is so." Kurkar boasted knowingly. "Detritus has been teaching me. Here, here, I got one off the quarry. Nice, huh? Guess when I got it."

Detritus took one look at it and sighed silently.

"Midnight," he said flatly, "it doesn't really match well with this kind of rock though."

"Damn it, I thought that would be cool. Oi, take it with you anyways. You can give it to Ruby!"

Anger flared in Detritus' heart. The boy obviously meant well, but it was insulting to think this kid would so brazenly hit on his wife like that.

"But this is your rock," said Detritus, searching for an excuse to get rid of it. "I can't give it to Ruby if it's yours. You should give it to a girl you like."

"No, you've got to use it on your house."

Detritus' face contorted. He didn't want this thing in his house either. The boy had chosen just about the worst circumstances to disturb the rock and just holding it made him feel like he was carrying a dead rat.

Mylonite stood stiffly with the rest of the gang. Hid dad was in the Pseudopolis Watch and he had met Detritus before. He knew what the sergeant was like if he lost his temper. The signs were clear to him. He nudged Crag in hopes that the older troll would speak up.

"Oh yeah," interrupted Crag. "You've got a house in some knobby area that you made yourself, right?"

Detritus' attention switched away from Kurkar and Mylonite wordlessly swiped the rock. Kurkar was going to get a lesson on respect tonight.

"It's not finished," Detritus mumbled.

That little detail didn't seem to bother them.

"I've seen it," said Mylonite as he carefully stashed the stone behind his back. "It's made of rocks that he's picked up over the years."

"What?" said Blurite in awe. "You can't make a house like that. You'd have to have tons of rocks."

"I did have tons of rocks," said Detritus proudly. "I collected them all, but they weren't good enough to give to Ruby."

"So you made a whole house? And in a high class district no less! That takes serious stones. Hey, if I give you a cool rock will you add it to your mansion?"

Detritus sighed and imagined the kinds of imbalanced rocks that the gang might try to pass off on him. These kids were never going to pick any good rocks if Kurkar was going to teach them.

"Of course I would," said Detritus with as much sincerity as he could muster, "but it's not a mansion. It's just a normal house."

The youngest troll spoke up once again. "That ain't a normal house."

* * *

Apparently, Detritus' successful trip to Pseudopolis hadn't gone unnoticed after all. Later that year, he was asked to accompany Mister Vimes to Uberwald. He was told that he would meet the Low King of the Dwarfs. It seemed foolish to Detritus that anyone would actually want him to go. Trolls hated dwarfs and he was a troll so obviously he hated dwarfs. They were rude little buggers that he wasn't allowed to squish under most circumstances. Yes, Cheery was a dwarf and a good friend, but that didn't mean she was a dwarf. She and Cuddy fell into Detritus' mind as dwarfs who were dwarfs but not dwarfs. He hated dwarfs but he didn't really hate dwarfs. It made perfect sense to him.

* * *

Colors slowly became more popular. Ruby had repaired the hole in the wall using some of the rejected stones from the house build. She had decided to keep Detritus' enormous first rock in place so it became part of the wall.

It was strange. Even though the roof was still missing, the new wall made a big impact on the clientele. It was beautiful in a way that was hard to explain. She put a lot of effort into selecting and placing the stones so that they felt right. Her heart soared each time a customer praised her work.

She remembered her Holy Wood dreams and realized that this was so much better than any of them.

Once the wall went up, people started buying the rocks to keep. They wanted to somehow capture that warm feeling they felt when they looked at her wall. They would ask her how she did it and she would always refrain from answering. How could she explain something that she didn't understand herself? The rocks Ruby sold in the shop weren't nearly as captivating as the stones set in the wall, but people bought them anyway. It was something uniquely trollish, something new and beautiful, and everyone wanted to be a part of it. She did what any self-respecting citizen of Ankh-Morpork would do. She upped the prices.

* * *

Topaz had become Ruby's first real employee. She spent enough time there that she might as well get paid for it. It was normal for her to come in early to her shift and linger around afterwards even though she didn't get any overtime payment. Sometimes Ruby would see her walking past during her time off.

Today was no different. Topaz wandered in a full two hours before shift change and took up a seat next to the green ribbon rock Ruby had found last week. It was surprisingly high quality for a rock found in the street, but it hadn't sold yet partially because it was so small and partially because Topaz was always standing around it.

"You look a little sad," Topaz noted when there was a lull in business.

"I'm not sad," said Ruby defensively. "Things are great."

"It's about Detritus isn't it?"

"I'm used to it," Ruby answered.

Topaz sat silently while her boss attempted to look very busy.

"Is it true he's gone to Uberwald? That's a dangerous place."

Ruby spun around and punched Topaz out of her chair.

"You think I don't know that! It's that damned patrician, always sending him off to things like this! Klatch was bad enough and now it's Uberwald? Do you know how they treat trolls in Uberwald?" Ruby leaned on the counter and put her head in her hands. "What if he doesn't come back?"

"You'll still have his pebble at least."

"I'm not pregnant." Ruby growled.

"Really, everyone knows you two were going at it for months before he left. You had a goofy grin on your face for two weeks straight that one time! I didn't think that was physically possible!"

Ruby stood to her full height ready to knock Topaz into next week, but stopped. Her anger deflated and she turned away.

"It didn't work," she said quietly addressing the wall.

Silence hung in the air ominously. Topaz wasn't the smartest troll on the disc, but she knew when to let up and change the subject.

"Did you notice that there are a lot more girls coming down from the mountains nowadays?" Topaz asked her.

Ruby didn't answer for a little while. She gingerly rearranged a set of rocks so they felt better.

"Yeah, I remember when there weren't many trolls at all," Ruby finally responded.

"Your husband was the first on the watch. That's got to be something to be proud of. They write stuff down about that. He could be in a book someday."

Topaz wasn't very tactful when it came to cheering people up.

"A book about Detritus?" Ruby said skeptically. "No one's gonna write that."

"The troll you hired part time, Rocky, he could do it."

"Trolls don't write stuff."

"Rocky does." Topaz said sternly. "I saw him. There was even a human who said it was right. He reads too!"

"That's nothing," scoffed Ruby. "Detritus can do math!"

* * *

He didn't show anyone, but Uberwald had been scary and confusing for Detritus. He had actually touched the Low King of the Dwarfs and an oddly warm feeling remained on his hands.

It had been hard to hold himself back sometimes in a place so hostile towards him, a place where everything he did was scrutinized and picked apart. He was on edge the entire time and the pressure had left him drained.

He took solace in focusing on the search for lady rocks. Though Uberwald was just about the worst place to be, the rocks there were magnificent and almost worth the trip. Well, not really, but they made it a little less unbearable. He had found so many rocks that Mister Vimes wouldn't let him take them home on the coaches. Detritus had decided to make his own way home through Borogravia so he could take as many as he liked. There was a war going on there, but it was just a stupid human scuffle. He needed some time to think and the snow made thinking a lot easier.

Along the road, Detritus encountered the shortest fattest troll he had ever met. It looked like he had been squashed by an elephant.

"You're Sergeant Detritus!" the short troll shouted excitedly. "You're really him!"

Detritus looked down at him quizzically. They weren't anywhere near Pseudopolis and this troll looked too old to be one of his incomprehensible fans anyway.

"My name is Asphalt. It's great to finally meet you Mr. Detritus."

The troll held out a hand and Detritus had to squat to shake it. Shaking hands was a relatively new thing for trolls and still not very widespread. Asphalt must have lived around humans at one point.

"I have got to introduce you to Lias!" he said, practically vibrating with joy.

As it turned out, Lias Bluestone was a musician temporarily working at a troll bar in the same town that little Tuff and Talc lived. Detritus grimaced at the thought of seeing them right then. He sat down at a table near the stage content in the knowledge that the pebbles would not be there.

In Borogravia, the god Nuggan had declared music to be an abomination and the troll bar was technically breaking the law. However, trolls were an abomination too so no one really cared. Even the most devout Nugganites weren't stupid enough to go up against a group of inebriated trolls. Detritus turned his attention to the song Lias was playing on his set of rocks. He had intuitively chosen stones that felt right together and the soul was reflected into his music. After his performance, Lias came to sit at Detritus' table.

"You must be Ruby's husband," he said in a deep smooth voice.

Detritus had never been referred to as belonging to Ruby before. It made his heart bubble pleasantly, but the words also made him cautious.

"How do you know my wife?"

"Oh, don't get all defensive. I've never even met the lady. If I go anywhere near Ankh-Morpork, the Musicians' Guild is gonna make slag out of me. I can't visit Colors."

"How do you know about the store if you've never been there?"

"Oh, you didn't know? This troll called Rocky sent out a clacks about Cultured Lady Rocks a while ago. Everyone knows."

Detritus sat there stunned. Partially because someone had gone through the effort of writing about the store, and partially because a clacks message had found its way into Borogravia where the towers were regularly burned for being an abomination. What had been happening since he'd been gone?

"Look at this," Lias said, pulling a stone out of the bag he kept his instrument in. "I found this striped lumpy dirt rock."

"It's nice I guess," Detritus replied inattentively.

"Ha, I knew you would say that. I'm not so dumb though. Here's the trick. I've got two others. See, when you line um up like this…"

Lias arranged the stones the same way he placed the rocks of his instrument, giving them an echoing musical soul.

"The fault line looks continuous," Detritus remarked, impressed. "I can almost hear them singing. That's really smart."

"I figured that even if I can't find any real nice rocks for my girl, I can get three of them, put them together, and have a great rock. That's math."

"I did something similar. I took a whole bunch of rocks and built a house with um."

"Damn, that's a lot of math."

"It wasn't that bad. Ruby did most of the placement. She's a natural."

Lias didn't miss the distant look in Detritus' eyes as he said it.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

"I don't know," mumbled Detritus. "It's a little hard to explain."

"That might be for the best. I get the feeling its personal. You don't have to tell me."

His doubts had been weighing heavily on him and suddenly, Detritus wanted nothing more than to share his fears with someone, even a complete stranger.

"It's just that Ruby is…" Detritus began slowly. "She's been really busy lately and it seems like the only time we spend together is when…" He mumbled the rest.

"When?" Lias prompted.

Detritus shifted uncomfortably.

"Maybe we can talk about this somewhere else?"

Lias shrugged and took him out into the alley behind the bar. Detritus sighed and slumped to the ground.

"Ruby and I… We've been trying to have… a pebble…"

Detritus' face turned bright red in embarrassment. He was a very traditional troll at heart and talking so openly about it scared the stones out of him. The only thing that gave him courage was the fact that he would probably never see this troll ever again. Lias sat down near him and idly tossed a rock down the alleyway.

"I assume it's not working," he said.

Detritus put his head in his hands. If he was going to spill the beans, he figured he might as well spill all of them.

"There's got to be something wrong with me. It shouldn't be this hard. I thought that all the lady rocks would make it a sure thing, but nothing's working. I even took a day off work so we could… you know."

Lias stayed silent. This wasn't the time to butt in with opinions and allegations. He waited for Detritus to continue on his own.

"I'm not good enough. She wants a pebble and I can't give her one. What if she goes to someone else? What if she leaves me? She means the world to me."

Lias thought for a long while before saying "Do you want my advice?"

Detritus waited a moment for him to give him his two bits before he realized that Lias was actually asking him for permission. Most people used the phrase rhetorically and just gave the advice anyway. Lias wasn't doing that. He was honestly giving him a choice.

"No," he muttered after some thought. "I think I already know what to do."

To his surprise, Lias simply nodded his head and said nothing. Detritus had never been treated quite like this before. It was as if the other troll truly valued his decisions. Lias showed him respect that didn't come from the threat of getting his goohuloog head kicked in.

"Why are you acting so nice?"

Lias stood up and headed towards the back door to the bar.

"Because you're a good troll."

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Review please?


	7. Chapter 7

I found out that there actually is a canon word for sex. Sorry about that. I've replaced all instances of Ogranadoo with the proper term Groophar.

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Detritus and Ruby talked it over about the pebble. They decided that it wasn't necessary to have a child just yet, but they should keep on trying anyway. Ruby wasn't that depressed about it. She rather liked their extended Groophar sessions and was willing to accept the trade. Of course Detritus enjoyed the intimate time he spent with his wife, but his heart was still troubled. He was ready to have a pebble in his life. It seemed to him that he had always been ready.

Detritus thought about Commander Vimes and the glow on Lady Sybil's face. Her stomach grew every day. She had let him touch it once. The tiny life inside her kicked his hand* and happiness filled his chest followed closely by the crushing pain of hopelessness.

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*Detritus immediately retrieved his hand so as not to let the poor kid break a foot on a second attempt.

* * *

News about Detritus shaking the hand of the Low King of the Dwarfs spread quickly. There were trolls who despised him for it of course, but he hadn't expected such a large number to be entirely nonplussed about it. Under Rocky's request, the Times ran an article about the lady rocks that Detritus had brought back for Ruby. They were described as being exotic and rare. An intense air of hostility emanated from a few of them, but most felt calming, quiet, and crystal clear.

Colors was swamped with customers wanting to see them. Ruby ended up building a special area to display them in. No one believed that they had all come from Uberwald, but belief was optional as long as people continued to buy her lady rocks.

Ruby didn't bother with a lot of security. It wasn't like the honor system was working, it was that word got around not to mess with Ruby. When one troll stole a rock from her store, she efficiently tracked him down a dealt her own justice before handing him over to Detritus who waited patiently outside for her to finish before carting him off to Pseudopolis Yard. The incident caused a bit of a stir in the Thieves Guild but the general consensus was that trolls didn't count.

* * *

The construction of Ruby's home finally came to a close. The building looked stunning and when the sun shone on it, the light reflected off some of the rocks making the whole thing shimmer like fish scales. The revenue from Ruby's shop had allowed her to splurge on expensive doors, windows, and other architectural elements that enraged the nobby neighbors to no end.

Though the outside was complete, the inside still needed work. Detritus asked Cheery to help him buy the rights to the land below his house so he could make a proper cave to store Ruby's lady rocks in. She got a significant amount of resistance from the current owner who fought the idea of selling land to a troll. He eventually gave in. Cheery never told anyone how she had done it and Detritus decided it was best not to ask.

After a trip to see Mister Vimes*, Cheery tackled the challenge of the basement of Cultured Lady Rocks. The land underneath Quarry Lane had understandably gone unclaimed by the dwarf population due to an infestation of trolls. Ruby, Cheery, and Carrot worked together to get the captain full rights to the whole area and all the way down by exploiting his dual citizenship as both a human and a dwarf.

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*"Damn it, this is why I told Detritus to keep his mouth shut. This is what comes from trusting a troll to keep a secret. I'm not a bloody bank!"

* * *

The amount of rocks at the watch houses had dwindled. There were only a few little piles at some of the stations that were farthest away from Hide Park. Dorfl allowed Detritus to take his time moving those and soon the only rocks left were at the watch house at Seven Sleepers.

"Hey some of these leftovers are really nice," Cheery noted one day.

"They're nice I guess. Maybe I should just… let Ruby sell the rest of them…"

Detritus looked devastated at the very thought of someone else owning Ruby's rocks.

"Could I keep one then?" asked Cheery.

"Sure," he said after some deliberation. "You've done a lot for me. You've definitely earned one."

"This one would look great polished," said Cheery as she started to scrape some of the dirt off one of the stones.

"Hey don't do that!" shouted Detritus, snatching up the poor defenseless rock.

"Why not? I'm just cleaning it."

"You're breaking it! You can't just take the dirt off. It's not a rock anymore if you do that."

"Um… it looks like a rock to me."

"No its not… well, yes it's a rock, but it's not a rock anymore. It's just a rock."

Since his trip to Uberwald, Detritus had started using some of the human and dwarf words for rock classification, but many troll concepts remained untranslatable.

"Oh come on, Detritus," said Cheery. "I could understand the rocks for your house, but these are just leftovers. Brushing off the dirt isn't going to make these suddenly not be rocks anymore."

Detritus sighed. There weren't enough proper words in Morporkian.

"It's still a rock if you take the dirt off, but it loses its context. You don't know where it came from then or anything about it. It's a rock with no identity, a nothing rock. The dirt stuck to the rock for a reason. It's part of the rock."

"So a clean rock is a bad thing?"

"Well, no," Detritus conceded. "A rock that's shiny can be clean because that's how it was naturally, like crystals and stuff. A river rock can be clean too if you want it to be."

"Um… anyway, back to the here and now," said Cheery, tilting her head. "You said I could keep one of these, right? If it's my rock and I want to clean it, that's okay then."

Detritus looked obviously uncomfortable. He took another rock off the pile.

"Well, if you're really that curious, use this one. Then you'll see what I mean. You don't want to go messing up the one you want to keep."

Detritus took the rock over to a spigot and put it on the ground. He couldn't bring himself to start the water though so Cheery did it for him. She ran the water over the rough stone and dislodged some of the more stubborn clods with her hands.

"This is lovely," Cheery whistled. "I couldn't see it before because of all the dirt."

Detritus stood there with a puzzled look on his face. His eyes moved from Cheery to the stone, to the spigot, and back to the stone.

"But it's not a rock… How did you do that? Why would anyone want to clean a rock? It makes no sense. You can't just clean a rock."

"I think I did."

"No, it's… huh."

"It's not even all the way clean yet," Cheery said, enjoying the reactions of her colleague.

"You can't mean you're going to even take the rock off!"

Detritus swore to find out words for these concepts once he got off duty.

"I'm just going to brush it a bit, nothing bad really," Cheery said, rolling her eyes. "Remember, this is a rock you rejected."

"But it's still a good rock."

"Ah, don't be like that. You said I could ruin this rock if I wanted to. Don't go back on your word now."

Cheery retrieved a horse brush from one of the stables and kneeled over the rock again. It had dried a bit and had lost its luster. She got it wet again and started to brush out the dirt stuck in the cracks. Detritus whimpered when Cheery brought out some soap from her pocket.

"You wouldn't dare!" he said disgusted. "That's just sick!"

"I'm going to try it anyway. It's how I do things. I take risks. Remember when I wore that dress? This is nothing compared to that."

Detritus glanced around in case anyone was looking and faced Cheery with an expression of fearful anticipation.

"Do it. But don't tell anyone I was here."

Cheery used the soap. She cleaned the rock. Just like that. She cleaned it with soap! Detritus was shaking with disobedient excitement.

"It's so pretty!" he whispered with rebellious glee.

"Perhaps you could take this one to Ruby, eh? Show her a bit of private delight. Girls love guys who take risks. Ruby's a modern girl. Something this devilish could really wow her."

Detritus had a look of complete horror on his face.

"I couldn't do that! You think she's some sort of gravelly hoa! Ruby is a lady! She'd be so mad at me!"

"She's a very lovely woman and would never be seen with something like this, but you aren't just anybody. Even a lady can show a different side to the one she loves."

Cheery wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. Detritus took another brief look around then grinned conspiratorially.

"Like a secret. I'll do it but not that one. That one's crap."

Detritus lumbered over to the small pile of rejects and picked up the stone he had chosen to give to Ruby that night. He looked at it indecisively. After a few minutes, he selected a different stone and brought them both over to Cheery.

"Okay, but use this one, and cover that other rock up! Do you want people to see?"

"Sorry, I don't even know what I was thinking," she said, grinning.

Detritus nonchalantly shielded Cheery from view.

"Are you done yet?" he asked nervously.

"In a minute. Can you get something to put this in, a box or a sack maybe?"

Detritus hurried off and returned with both a sack and a crate. He quickly stashed the clean rock into the bag and set it gently in the crate. As quietly as possible, he nailed the lid on with his pinkie.

"I'm not so sure about this. Do you think anyone saw me?"

"Um… no… of course not." Cheery looked down at the crate and got an idea. "You should paint the box."

"Huh? Why?"

"The box doesn't look as pretty as the rock inside it. If you paint the box then it will look special when she opens it."

"But I can't hit her with it if I keep it in the box."

"You can hit her with it after she unwraps it," Cheery said with a sigh. "She has to open it herself. It adds mystique to the gift."

"Oh, mystique, girls like mystique, but I still don't…"

"No complaining. I'm a woman so I know these things. Trust me. Remember, tomorrow when she comes home, you have to give her the box, just hand it to her, and let her open it. Maybe you could even let her hit you over the head with it first."

* * *

Ruby opened the sack inside the box and gasped. She snatched up the gift and ran into the cellar. Detritus stood there for a moment before fearfully creeping towards the stairs. Trolls were not built for creeping. He awkwardly peeked in.

"Oh get in here, you coward," said Ruby. She grabbed Detritus' arm and quickly ushered him into the lower room. She grinned and all her teeth shone as brightly as her eyes.

"Do you think anyone saw us? Oh this is so exciting! I didn't think you would ever, I mean, you've always been so traditional. I never expected something like this!"

"Does that mean you like it?" Detritus asked hesitantly.

"I don't just like it. I love it!" Ruby squealed. "How did you know? I never told you. I never did it with you around… I didn't want you to think I was, you know, gravelly…"

"Um… I didn't really…"

Ruby wrapped her arms around Detritus and poked a finger into a crack on his side. He gasped and a tremor ran through his body. Ruby looked at him bashfully.

"Do you think, maybe… you could wash me sometime?"

"I… I… uh…" Detritus mumbled. His body was paralyzed and his brain didn't seem to be working at all. Even Cuddy's cooling helmet wouldn't have done any good.

Ruby looked down at the floor anxiously. "I mean, it's not like I would… I'm sorry. A successful troll like you has standards. I understand. It was stupid of me to ask such a thing."

"No!" shouted Detritus. He immediately covered his mouth with enough force to knock him over backwards. He continued in a muffled whisper, "No, It's that I…" Detritus couldn't finish. The thought of what Ruby would look like clean was overwhelming. His face flushed. "I couldn't…"

Ruby lounged next to him on the floor and looked into his panic stricken eyes. "Or maybe, I could wash you instead."

Detritus fainted.

* * *

Detritus ran through the yard of the watch house on Hero Street. He picked up Cheery bodily and dashed down an alley behind the station.

"Cheery, it worked!" he said excitedly.

"Glad to hear it. I told you she would like it. Um, do you mind putting me down?"

Detritus lowered her to the ground apologetically.

"Sorry, but… I was wondering…" he lowered his voice, "Do you know where I could get some uh, 'cleaning supplies?"

"Oh, it worked that well?" said Cheery impressed. "I can get you some if you want. You really shouldn't be seen buying that stuff."

Detritus blushed wildly. "Thanks a lot. Do you think you could… no, I couldn't."

"You want me to show you how to use them don't you?"

"Shhhhhhh not so loud."

Cheery chuckled inwardly. Troll romance was a strange thing.

"Now do you see that cleaning a rock doesn't change where it came from? It has identity simply because it exists. It's how the rock was formed to begin with that shows what it truly is. Dirt can come from anywhere but this type of rock only forms in certain places. Once you clean the rock and identify it then even humans can find out where it's from."

Detritus pondered his answer for a moment. He knew humans had names for rocks but he had never thought of them from a human perspective. It must be awful to have to clean a rock just to find out where it's been.

"You're right," he said slowly coming to a conclusion. "I have to be culturally sensitive. I don't want to cause any trouble."

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	8. Chapter 8

It was a cold day on the Lancre boarder, and despite recent events everything was quiet. Lance-Constable Bauxite leaned back and stared at the clacks message from Sergeant Flint. It contained his official transfer notice stating he would return to Ankh-Morpork.

"It's about bloody time."

The notice also included a personal letter, a little update on his friends back at the Yard. Sergeant Flint's letters never mentioned any names or work related events since he was too cheap to request encryption and too dumb to figure out a way to convince Commander Vimes to write it off as a business expense.

Flint had codewords for people on the watch, but he always forgot what he had used so they were different each time and sometimes Bauxite couldn't tell who was who. Apparently Detritus* had finished his house and Ruby** was in the middle of plans to expand Colors. Sergeant Flint always used suspiciously extravagant praise to describe Ruby's actions.

Bauxite glanced over his shoulder at a pile of rocks. He hadn't really intended to give them to Detritus in the same way that people say 'we'll have to do this again sometime.' He just liked the idea of collecting interesting rocks and putting them somewhere where others could see them. It was like passive show and tell. Then one day a rock appeared that he definitely didn't remember putting there. It was a really good one too, so Bauxite decided to leave it there. Over the past year, the pile had grown steadily until it became a sort of meeting place, a landmark that was recognizable even in the snow.

Living on the Lancre boarder wasn't at all fun, but it had its perks. The chill gave Bauxite a lot of free headspace to think. Trolls don't usually have many ideas, but Bauxite had one and he wasn't going to let it go to waste.

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*Codenamed 'Trugahoo Gluck' which literally means 'the one with the face.'

**'Hoogahoo Gluck' which means 'the other one with the face.'

* * *

Detritus could face even the hardest criminals, but his bravery dried up when it came to Ruby. What would she think of him? He recalled how excited Ruby had gotten when he gave her the washed rock. If he could make her that happy with just a little water, then he couldn't let his fears stop him. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

"Come on you big pebble, it's just a little water," Ruby chided. "You've been out in the rain before. It's the same thing."

"Yes, but that's natural. This is different."

Detritus gripped the pitcher of water tightly. He knew he shouldn't be scared, but old fears had a way of taking hold of him. Never before had he realized just how menacing a washcloth could be. He found courage in the vision he had of what Ruby would look like wet and scrubbed like the stone he gave her.

"You don't have to worry," Ruby told him. "It's not like you're the only troll who has tried this. Chrysoprase is always clean."

"How do you know that? People who get that close to him usually end up dead. That's not the type of troll I want to copy! And even if he washes himself, what does that have to do with me?"

"You're a big influential troll of course. You're just as powerful as him."

"I am not. I'm just Detritus."

Ruby gave him a bonk on the head.

"Don't say that. You're a diplomat and a very successful troll."

"No one cares what I do."

Ruby hit him again in that sort of loving angry way that always confused him.

"No one cared before, but that's the point," she said. "You were the thickest stupidest troll ever and you made something of yourself. A story like that gives young trolls a lot of hope. Trolls see you and think 'maybe I could be like that too'."

"You really think so?"

"I know so."

"I… um, thanks," Detritus stuttered, blushing wildly.

"And a troll of your status must think about his looks. You should get used to being clean."

"But I'm a watchman. I get dirty every day."

"Oh I don't mean on a regular basis," Ruby conceded. "You just need to wash for important occasions."

"But I don't go to anything nobby like that."

"Yes you do!" Ruby said and smacked him again for being stupid. "You met the Low King and you were all dirty! Humans and Dwarves expect people to be clean at parties. You could have offended someone important."

Detritus grimaced in defeat. "Okay, I'll do it just a little bit though. I don't want people to think I'm into washing. I'm only going to get clean if I have to. I only need to learn how to do it and that's it."

Ruby smiled warmly. "Let's start with the rain. It will be more comfortable that way."

She took his hand in the gentle manner that she had invented herself. Her little gestures were part of what made her a lady. Ruby could intuitively blend from crass to cultured when the time was right. The skill baffled him. How could she tell?

* * *

Detritus liked the rain, but he always kept it personal and never wandered the city in his plain clothes. He insisted on wearing his uniform if they were to go walking about. Ruby argued that wearing it would defeat the purpose. Eventually they settled on a spot in the backyard where a pile of leftover stones leaned against the outer wall of the house creating a space well secluded from the main road.

Detritus sat on the ground and relaxed a little in the knowledge that no one could see him. He let the rain flow over his body. It felt so different now that he was paying attention to the water. He'd never noticed before how the little drops collected in his fissures forming tiny natural rivers. He let Ruby scrub his arm. The little bristles of the brush got into all the cracks and crevasses between his stones.

"That kind of tickles when you do that," he muttered.

"It tickles?" Ruby said. "I thought that was just a human thing. What does it feel like?"

"It feels tickly," said Detritus lamely. "It's like all soft and prickly at the same time."

"Are you sure?" Ruby asked incredulously. "That's not a very troll like feeling and you're a really tough troll. I mean, you got shot by the gonne and you just walked that off. How could you possibly be sensitive enough to be ticklish?"

Detritus tried to remember what had happened that day. The memory wasn't one he liked to share.

"I was oozing something," he said, touching his chest. "It hurt like hell."

"That's um… weird. Let me check something." Ruby searched Detritus' body for the deepest fissure she could find. It was in his armpit. "Now don't move." She tried reaching her fingers into the crack but they were too big to get very far.

"That feels... I don't know. It feels like something." Detritus said, shaking a little.

"Should I try using the brush?" Ruby suggested.

"No!"

"Hmm, maybe you're sick."

"Trolls don't get sick like this."

"Maybe the mountains are calling you? Are you getting philosophy?"

"I'm not that old!" Detritus grumbled. "You're supposed to hurt when that happens anyway."

"I think you should see a doctor."

* * *

Detritus made a noise as if he had just swallowed a parrot. Dr. Lawn recoiled just in time to dodge his elbow.

"Well, that's interesting," the doctor said. "Did that hurt?"

"No," Detritus answered defensively. "You just surprised me, that's all."

Dr. Lawn didn't look convinced.

"Maybe you should hold him still while I do this, Ruby."

Dr. Lawn fetched another tongue depressor and carefully touched the fissure under Detritus' armpit making the troll flinch.

"Stop being a pebble," said Ruby. "He hasn't even done anything yet."

"But he could! Mister Vimes hates doctors for a reason."

"Samuel Vimes hates everyone," said Lawn. "He may not like me but he respects me so I guess it's a good start."

The memory was still fresh in Detritus' mind. Vimes had put so much trust in Dr. Lawn.

"You saved Young Sam," Detritus mumbled solemnly.

Dr. Lawn smiled unperceptively and continued his examination without any more resistance.

"Oh, that's new," he said, snuffing out the smoke on the end of his tongue depressor.

"What?" Detritus said with panic in his voice. "What is it, Doc? Give it to me straight."

"You're not part sedimentary are you?"

"Don't call me that! I'm pure Igneous through and through!"

"Sorry, I'm not quite up to date on troll social politics," Lawn said offhandedly. "Detritus, I believe you have a congenital condition called magma. Your body is naturally a little softer on the inside due to extra heat. This might be the cause of your, um, sub-par mental capabilities. If I recall correctly, you spent time in both Klatch and Uberwald, both of which have extreme temperatures. This exposure is most likely what caused your ailment to worsen to this point. You were born better suited to high altitudes. You can probably withstand much colder temperatures than most other trolls."

Detritus thought about his detainment in the Pork Futures Warehouse years ago and cringed. Perhaps it was magma that had let him survive for so long.

"So what does that mean? Am I dying?"

"No, you're fine. From what I know about trolls, you might live a bit longer even. The extra heat should keep you comfortably mobile well past your mountain calling."

"Oh that's good…" said Detritus. "What am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

"Try to keep cool. That helmet of yours is doing you a lot of good. Maybe an upgrade is in order? You can also try bathing in cold water. Once a day should suffice, come back if you start getting too stiff."

* * *

Late at night, Detritus moved uneasily through an alley off of Scoone Avenue.

"We can't do this!" he whispered urgently to his wife. "What if we get caught?"

"Don't worry about it," she replied. "He's a good friend of yours. I'm sure he'll understand."

"No, that's not how it goes! He's going to kill me!"

"It can't be that bad. I mean, he's only human."

"We are going to die!" Detritus whispered a bit louder.

"What other option do we have?" Ruby hissed, turning around to face him. "You need to have water that's at least somewhat transparent."

"Can't we just go upriver?"

"Every day? You need something closer. The only places I know with enough clean water to cover you is the big fountain at the Patrician's Palace and the pond in Vimes' backyard. Which would you rather have? At least with the Commander you have a chance of not getting killed."

"What about Mort Lake?" Detritus suggested desperately.

"I'm not going to let you go swimming in a lake so close to those ruddy wizards. You'll only end up with more problems."

"There's a lake in Hyde Park."

"Do you really want to do this in a public place?" Ruby said, exploiting his weakness. "It has to be here where no one can see."

"But what if he catches us? He'll go spare!"

"Not if you explain it to him first."

"I don't want my boss to know I've gone soft! People depend on me!"

"Which is why we are going to be sneaky about this," she explained. "Did you bring the brush?"

"Yeah, but Dr. Lawn didn't say anything about scrubbing."

"Oh, no, that's for me." Ruby grinned mischievously. "I can't miss this chance to be totally surrounded by water." She sighed wistfully and clamored over the wall. "Come on."

"We shouldn't be doing this."

Detritus' objection went unnoticed as he carefully followed her. He wasn't a graceful troll like his wife. She could move smoothly like an iceberg, but Detritus didn't really care what he looked like as long as he didn't make any noise. Ruby beckoned him to the edge of the pond. She dipped her toes under the water and giggled.

"Shh, let's just do this and get out," whispered Detritus.

He clenched his teeth and eased his way into the water. A small amount of steam hissed as he lowered himself below the surface. It felt surreal. The water flowed into every crevasse in his body. Detritus' joints went rigid for one terrifying moment then relaxed when his body got over the initial shock. Trolls don't shiver but this was the sort of situation where it would come in handy.

Ruby sloshed into the water and splashed a bit at Detritus.

"Hey, stop that. We're only here because Dr. Lawn says so."

"Oh come on. Let me have a little fun. I'll be quiet." Ruby put her arms on Detritus' shoulders. "You need to get the top half wet too." She pushed down on him and he sank in the silt. A bit more steam hissed around him.

"Don't do that!"

"You have to, doctor's orders."

Ruby carefully stepped deeper into the pond until only her head and shoulders showed above the water. She was beaming.

"Come join me," she said holding up the brush.

He hesitantly sidled towards her a little. There was less steam now that his body was cooling down. His eyes widened as Ruby passed the brush over her shoulders. Detritus was glad that Ruby couldn't see him blushing in the low light.

"This feels wonderful," she sighed. "What if we build a pool behind our house?"

"No way! People will find out!" he said a little louder than he expected.

"Would you rather keep coming here every night?"

Detritus made a sound like sand being poured onto a lava rock and waded out into the pond. He squeezed his eyes shut and dunked his head under the water for a fraction of a second. The steam hissed.

He also heard a quite different sound.

"Tell me that was you," said Ruby.

"That wasn't me…" Detritus tried to back out of the water as quickly as possible without making too much noise. "There's something in the water."

"Don't scare me like that. It really was you right?"

They heard the sound again, closer this time. It went "Hrrrnnggg." All thoughts of silence disappeared from Detritus' head. He struggled out of the water splashing everywhere and ran to the wall. Ruby had already scrambled over. When Detritus touched the ground, she pulled on his arm and ran full tilt down the closest street they could find. Detritus swore that he saw a lamp glow to life in the commander's yard.

Detritus found himself cornered in Vimes' office. He stood at paralyzed attention.

"Care to tell me why there were two trolls in my backyard last night?" Vimes questioned.

"Um, I wouldn't know anything about that, sir."

Detritus tried to put on an innocent expression. Vimes saw right through it.

"They conveniently left before my hippo got to them. Roderick has been in a bad mood lately."

If a troll could sweat, then Detritus would be sweating.

"That would have been bad, you know, for your pet."

"Keith laid out a troll before. He's a bit more territorial than Roderick." Vimes leaned forward over his desk. "I had Angua do a thorough search. You left this behind." Vimes tossed a brush across his desk with an ominous clatter. "Detritus, it's not easy for a werewolf to smell trolls but you and Angua joined up at the same time. Did you really expect her not to know your scent by now?"

Detritus cringed but didn't answer.

"This has something to do with Ruby, doesn't it?" Vimes deduced.

"Um… sort of."

"What possibly made you think that I would overlook you trespassing on my property in the middle of the night?"

Detritus fidgeted nervously. "I had to risk it because you would probably fire me if I told you."

"If you don't tell me what the hell is going on, you're fired anyway, understand?"

"You see, I'm not right, sir," Detritus mumbled. "There's something wrong with me."

"There will be many more things wrong with you if you don't get to the point really quickly."

"I… I have magma!" Detritus sobbed. "I'm sorry, sir! Please don't tell anyone when I'm gone! I don't want to be dishonorably discharged, sir!"

"Wait. Just calm down," Vimes said. "What are you on about?"

"Dr. Lawn told me just yesterday," Detritus confessed, trying to steady himself. "He said I would have it all my life, sir."

"You have a disease and for some reason you went to my doctor about it?"

"You said he wasn't a quack. That's high praise there. I couldn't go to a troll doctor. I don't want people to know I've gone soft!"

"I'm not getting this at all," said Vimes. "What's wrong with you again? You're not going to die are you?"

"It won't kill me but it's about the heat you see. I'm… soft in the middle… I'm a Hublander. I'm supposed to be in the cold, but I can't leave. This is my home and I have a life here. He said I was born with it. What if I'm part yeti?"

"Part yeti? What sort of prank has Mossy played on you?"

"It's not a trick! You saw it for yourself. You were there when the gonne shot me. I was oozing, you remember?"

"That's normal for a troll isn't it? Humans bleed. Why not trolls?"

"You don't have to rub it in like that," said Detritus despondently.

Vimes sighed. His day wasn't going well and he didn't need this.

"All right, you're sick. Take the day off. You never use your sick days anyway. You could easily take the whole week off. Gods know that's what I need. Get Lawn to do a full report or Vetinari won't pay the medical bill." Vimes paused. "Who am I kidding? Vetinari probably wouldn't cough up the money even if you lost a leg."

.

.


	9. Chapter 9

Lord Vetinari, resident tyrant of Ankh-Morpork, sat comfortably in the Oblong Office rereading a medical expense report from the Watch. Magma, so that's how he did it. Sergeant Detritus leapt two tiers higher in Vetinari's list of useful people and settled down right next to his wife. Perhaps with a little push… but no that would have to wait. Everything in good time. Right now there was something far more interesting for the Sergeant to prepare for. Vetinari indulged in a rare but contractual bout of maniacal laughter. It was amazing how things could just fall into place.

* * *

Vimes gave Detritus and Ruby permission to use his pond while they constructed their own pool. It gave him a private and comfortable place to slowly get used to his prescribed treatment. Unfortunately, the environment was far from ideal. Vimes' hippos were generally hospitable and courteous up until the point where they suddenly weren't and Ruby had to take them down. As entertaining as was to watch his wife wrestle hippos in murky water, Roderick and Keith were not very helpful in encouraging Detritus to accept his diagnosis.

Detritus didn't want anyone to know about him building a bath so the responsibility fell on Cheery to orchestrate the construction with as much discretion as possible. This was fine for the job of extending the basement, but Cheery's skills were centered around structural mineshaft design not implementation. She knew next to nothing about waterproofing and Detritus resolutely refused to risk hiring a contractor. He also disapproved of her asking other dwarfs for information about it, but Cheery did it anyway and no one was the wiser. In the end, the result wasn't pretty but at least it worked.

* * *

Detritus stood at the edge of his new bathing pool and waited for Ruby. Even though he had gotten used to it in Vimes' pond, it still scared him to sit in water alone. He kept having thoughts of the storm the Watch had gone through on their way to Klatch. He remembered being ordered to throw things overboard in their attempt to outrun their pursuers. The memory of the heavy objects sinking into the sea, the splash, the sound made his chest ache. He imagined the rejected items falling all the way to the ocean floor down in the lonely darkness, a world with no direction. They were trash, things discarded because they had no use, detritus that sank into the place where it belonged. No one cared what happened to trash.

He would sink forever, the dark waves closing over him plunging him into the black frozen world below.

If he could bleed like a human, could he drown like a human?

Suddenly Ruby swept into the room with her bag of 'equipment.' She turned on the water, happily oblivious to Detritus' discomfort. Her excited smile brought him out of his fears. This would be their first time using the new pool.

Cheery had designed the bath to be as comfortably natural as possible. It looked more like a rocky indoor pond than a bathtub. The water came out of showerheads so it felt more like rain. She had been so nice about it too, always asking him before making a change.

Detritus turned his head just in time to see Ruby lean into a stream of falling water. He watched as the water exposed the beautiful seems beneath the dull dried rocks of her body. She noticed him watching her and slowly let the shower fall across her face. She laughed at his expression of awe.

"Put your eyes back in and come and join me."

Detritus couldn't say no to that and he settled down next to Ruby as the pool filled. The water level crept up his legs causing steam to appear but he wasn't paying it any attention. How could he when Ruby had just pulled out a washcloth? She held it out for him, but as soon as his hand touched it she pulled him forward and under the shower. She giggled at his shout of surprise.

"Wash me," she cooed, taking a bar of soap out of her bag.

Detritus took the wet towel and drew it down the side of her face where a shimmering red seem meandered down past her shoulders. Ruby's neck relaxed at the touch. Detritus smiled at how readily she reacted to the soapy water. The morphic field that held her stones together wavered and the fissures slowly spread apart. Ruby sighed happily as the water flowed over vulnerable surfaces normally shielded from the outside world. In this state, it would be so easy for someone to break her apart.

Detritus felt Ruby rub the towel over his body, slowly loosening the stones. Sometimes he could hear the sound of steam as his magma cooled. He held her close to him and began to shift his stones to fit together with hers. He delighted in the feeling of Ruby sinking into him, their stones mixing. His morphic field relaxed and his sense of independent identity faded. He was part of her and she was all that mattered.

Their stones aligned for maximum contact. Ruby took on Detritus' body as part of her own until she too could feel his hypersensitivity caused by his magma.

They identified themselves as one and the same and the field responded to that. It engulfed both of them as one troll and strengthened as their minds converged into a shared dream, into groophar. It tightened around them, pushing the stones together. The cracks shrank and the single mass of rocks solidified.

They didn't separate until well into the next day.

* * *

"Hey, looks like someone's happy," Topaz said when Ruby entered the shop. "Gotta be careful. Mum says you can't dream too much or you'll die."

"That's just a myth, Topaz. If you died in groophar, no one would ever do it."

Ruby wasn't superstitious, but sometimes myths clung to her. This was one of them. It was said that groophar could trap you and take away your identity forever if you stayed too long. Your mind would go numb and you'd never wake up.

Ruby always made sure to remember her independence. She would always be the first to wake and reclaim her stones. Her morphic field was quick to reassert itself. There were many theories as to what exactly happens when a pebble appears, but Ruby was a firm believer of the idea that they came from a stone left unclaimed by either partner at the end of groophar.

"It's my fault," she said with a depressed sigh. "I have such an individual personality. It must be because I can't forget myself enough."

"A wife needs to become part of her husband completely letting go," Topaz said as if reading from a book.* "You're not doing it right."

"I can't just stop being me."

"Then you're never gonna get a pebble. That's the price you got to pay for flying against tradition."

Ruby knew that Detritus would be a good father. He was the rare type of troll who deserved to be surrounded by his children. She hated herself for not being able to give him that which would surely bring so much joy to his life.

.

.

*If Topaz could read, that is.

* * *

Lance Constable Bauxite returned to Ankh-Morpork with a cartload of exotic rocks from Lancre and a 'you-know-better-than-that' glare for Sergeant Flint. The Sergeant suddenly found other things to do than stalk Detritus' wife. Though Bauxite liked her too, he didn't need to sit in the snow to know not to try anything on Ruby. Flint and Detritus may be the same rank but Detritus had an unspoken seniority. It wasn't just because he was a close friend of Commander Vimes or that he had been on special international missions. Detritus was respected because he got things done and didn't whine about it or expect special treatment. Detritus wasn't smart but he had an uncannily accurate sense of intuition. It seemed like he could read a troll's mind. He just knew things like he could feel them.

He was the troll who taught every other troll on the Watch. At the time, Bauxite felt like he was just pushing around his weight around, but the training Detritus had given him as a recruit legitimately prepared him for being a watchman. Bauxite owed his sergeant a great debt that he would never be able to repay if only because Detritus had everything a troll could ask for. No, there was only one thing that Bauxite could do to thank him and he needed a lot of money to do it.

He sold his foreign lady rocks to Ruby. He had to resolutely stop himself from simply giving them to her as a gift. Try as he might to deny it, he loved Ruby too, but it was different than the way Sergeant Flint felt. Bauxite was attracted to love and life that radiated from her at all times.

Rocks have a way of absorbing their surroundings. Trolls can do that too. The souls of the lady rocks that Detritus gave Ruby every day seeped into her stony body. She had become a lady because every rock in her collection told her so. She sparkled and that feeling brought people back to the store time and time again.

She was a beautiful gem in a city of increasing unrest.

A war was brewing.

* * *

While discord started to spread its greasy fingers in Ankh-Morpork, Detritus was on another body guard mission. This time, the client wanted to go to Pseudopolis. It was a good thing too, because Detritus had some personal business to take care of. He found his target at the top of a hill outside the city. Three young trolls hastily stashed away whatever it was they were fiddling with as he approached them and the gang's leader ran over to meet him.

"Hey Detritus," Blurite said excitedly. "Kurkar told me you killed the dragon that attacked Ankh-Morpork a long time ago. Is that true? Do you got its skull?"

"You could totally put that on your belt," said Crag smoothly. "All the cool trolls are wearing skulls."

"That dragon was huge!" chimed in Mylonite. "You'd have to have a cart to carry it."

"So what?" said Crag. "No one would messes with a guy who's got a dragon skull."

"I didn't kill the dragon," Detritus explained.

"Yeah, but you probably gave it a run for its money."

"Dragons don't got money, stupid!" Blurite shouted and punched Crag.

"They do too! It's called a hoard."

"Did you take any of its treasure, Detritus?" asked Mylonite entirely disinterested in the argument his friends were getting into.

"I wasn't even there!" said Detritus completely losing any control over the conversation. "The dragon was—"

"Kurkar, you sedimentary liar!" Blurite yelled down to his friend at the bottom of the hill. "He don't have a skull!"

"You ain't got a brain!" Kurkar called back, stomping his way up to them.

"But the dragon didn't even—" Detritus started.

"Someone got to it before you right?" said Mylonite with misguided empathy. "It's okay Detritus. I can keep a secret."

"Did you get the rock?" Blurite asked before Kurkar could get to him. "I already told everyone I had it and they'll kill me if I lie."

The gang all turned to Detritus at once waiting expectantly. Detritus shrugged a sack off his shoulder and handed it to Blurite. The gang leader quickly pulled out a smooth black rock.

"Sand and crap! That's awesome!" Crag squealed in delight. Then he froze and coughed awkwardly. "It's cool," he mumbled with contrived disinterest.

"You'll only get it stolen from you, Blurite," Kurkar said eyeing the black river rock greedily. "You're weaker than a human. Maybe you should give it to me instead, you know, for safe keeping."

"You lay off my stone, Kurkar! Detritus got this for me special!"

Mylonite shook his head at his friends. He had that kind of tenuous maturity of a young troll who carries more responsibilities than he should and just won't be assed about this kind of stupidity even though he would probably enjoy it.

"I've got a rock to show you, Detritus," he said, holding out a stone. "This one's the best. I've been practicing."

"I got one too," said Kurkar who had lost the fight.

"Mine's better," Crag said coolly wiping a bit of moss out of his eyes.

"That's not your rock," Mylonite grumbled. "You snitched that from Elvan."

"It's not my fault he's such a wuss."

"Elvan collected this one?" Detritus interrupted.

"Yeah, he totally sucks at it," Crag said dismissively.

"It's really nice," Detritus countered and grinned inwardly as Crag fumbled for a response.

"Um yeah, that's what I meant… I'm uh taking lessons from him."

"Where is that little twit anyway?" Blurite asked with about as much concern as a dead rat.

Crag coughed loudly and elbowed Kurkar in the chest.

"Um, about that…"

"You dropped him in the old quarry again, didn't you?"

"I might have…"

"You clod!" shouted Mylonite. "Elvan's too short to get back up by himself!"

Mylonite knocked Kurkar to the ground with a punch that made the other two take a step back.

"You two are coming with me," Mylonite stated irrefutably and ran off.

As the gang approached the quarry, Detritus felt something strange. He broke off from the group and headed towards the far end of the quarry. He jumped down to the lower levels and smiled. There stood a little fort made of lady rocks built in front of a cave.

"Bugger off!" a voice shouted from inside.

Detritus pretended not to hear. He peeked behind the small door. It was the sixth gang member, the hunched up one who hadn't talked when they first met. As soon as he saw Detritus, the young troll shut up and dashed into the cave. It wasn't long before little Elvan came running out.

"I'm sorry Mr. Detritus, sir. Tor is… he isn't good with talking," Elvan shuffled his feet and changed the subject. "How did you find us? We hid it good."

"I don't really know. It just felt right. They're very good. I could feel them from pretty far away."

"Thank you, sir but I just built the fort. Tor is the one who found the rocks."

Detritus was shocked. Tor hadn't shown even the slightest interest in the rocks when he last saw him. Elvan was the youngest of the group and he was already this good at placement. To be so talented at such a young age, the both of them could surpass him in a few years. Detritus smiled fondly, but deep inside, his heart tore.

"Can I keep one?" he asked.

Detritus didn't ask for things very often.* He normally just put his desires aside, but this time he couldn't ignore them. This was a memory that he needed a lady rock for. This memory had to follow him. To Detritus' delight, Elvan nodded and headed over to a pile of lady rocks set aside. He hesitated and quickly ambled into the cave, but the opening to the fort was too small for Detritus to follow. In moments, Tor appeared carrying a stone. The hunched troll firmly thrust it into his hand.

"Now bugger off," said Tor flatly.

Elvan punched Tor's shoulder. It was adorably ineffective. Tor looked down at him and sighed.

"Please, bugger off, sir," he muttered before going back into the cave.

.

.

*Shouting at the recruits did not count as asking. It wasn't a request when the only options are to follow the order or get your head kicked in.

* * *

Colors was becoming increasingly profitable, but that also meant that the shop was in the public eye. It was still a popular place for trolls to hang about and complain to each other. There was tension in the air and a lot of talk about Koom Valley. Politics had invaded Ruby's store and she was far from happy about it.

Commander Vimes had assigned Sergeant Flint to supervise the patrol of Colors and the surrounding premises while Detritus was gone on his mission to Pseudopolis. Flint took his duty very seriously and often dropped by just to check on things. Bauxite politely reminded him to keep his distance because Detritus would be back the next day. Sergeant Flint didn't listen and Ruby laid him out cold on the pavement. She was a girl who didn't need any protection from her husband. It was a good thing too, because she was accumulating an increasing number of admirers.

* * *

Detritus locked up the third unfortunate troll to make a pass at Ruby since he returned and these were only the ones he'd caught. He turned to Bauxite for an answer.

"Why is everyone trying to give gifts and stuff to my wife? She's _my_ wife!"

Bauxite guiltily glanced at the door. Even though he had fallen for her too, it was still hard to explain.

"Well, it's like this. She's a star sort of. Even some of the trolls on the Lancre boarder knew her. I said that I'd met her and they got all excited."

"You only met her once and that was more than two years ago!"

"Yeah, but I still got to talk to her and that's a lot more than other people have. You've given her a load of freedom. You can't be all that surprised that she's getting attention. Seriously, if I had a girl, I wouldn't let her do half the stuff you've allowed Ruby to do."

"Let her? I don't let her do anything. She just does it. What am I supposed to do? Chain her to the floor when I'm gone?"

"A good whack to the head usually works," said Bauxite, going the traditional route.

"No, I can't do that! Ruby is a lady. I have to hit her special, the way she likes it. No one else can do it the way I do. I knock her senseless politely."

Bauxite paused for a moment. Something had been on his mind, but he didn't know how to ask without sounding suggestive. He honestly would never approach Ruby that way, but the thought still bothered him.

"What if she gets together with someone else while you're away?" he asked with genuine concern.

"Then I'll kill him," Detritus stated without a hint of exaggerated malice.

Lance-Constable Bauxite shifted uneasily. He really would do it too. Detritus was dead serious about his wife. Somehow he was with her even when he was miles away. The fact made Bauxite both relieved and disappointed. He slumped his shoulders in gracious defeat.

"You have helped her shine like no other troll could," he said. "She is a star, a troll who people care about. Ruby isn't just your wife anymore. She's an icon, a symbol that brings trolls together... Promise me to not let her get away."

* * *

Ruby was in her basement positioning the last few lady rocks in her collection that Dorfl and Detritus had moved there from the old house. She decided it was time and she needed the room at the shop anyway to hold stock. She set them up in the basement in a room separate from the bath. Her private lady rocks needed their own space and respect. She refused to use any sort of filing system. She simply placed the rocks in the way she felt was right, using the skills she had learned from Detritus.

When she was finished, she brought him into the room. Even before he opened his eyes, Detritus could feel the souls of the rocks resonating in his chest. He felt the memories and emotions of each one in an overpowering wave of living sound. He took a tentative step into the mesmerizing room, but the feeling was too strong. He slowly backed out and slumped against the wall in the hallway.

"How… how did you …that was," Detritus' voice shook as if he had been running for hours. "It… it won't stop."

Detritus slid to the floor and tried to calm down.

"Are you alright?" Ruby asked unsure of what she had done wrong.

"I never thought they could be like that…" he said and a visible tremor ran through his body.

Ruby stepped forward and kneeled in front of him. Detritus instantly embraced her in a way he had never done before.

"I could feel it," he whispered. "I could feel it all. I couldn't stop it. Is that real? Is that really what you think of me?"

"It is," she said lovingly.

Detritus couldn't answer right away. Ruby's body relaxed to welcome him, but he still held tight.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because you're a good troll and you've done so much for me," she answered, blushing red. "You don't have to bring me rocks anymore."

Detritus sighed and lay back onto the floor, pulling Ruby on top of him. He slowly released his hold on his stones and let her sink into him.

"I don't bring you rocks because you asked me to," he said softly. "I do it because I love you."

.

.

.

.

.

Dawww

I should probably reread Thud before I go any further.

Detritus really has no defense against his wife.


	10. Chapter 10

Lord Vetinari stood by the window, looking down at the confrontation on the street below. A dwarf had been murdered. Normally this wouldn't be cause for much alarm, but apparently this one was special, a real keeper some would say. Now the dwarfs and the trolls of the city were gearing up for a large and costly battle. He had set up as many favorable players as reasonable in the time allotted to him, but every time something like this happened, Vetinari still felt as if he should have done more. Nonetheless, he always remembered that taking too much responsibility was a slippery slope to madness and the last thing the city needed was a lunatic genius leading them. He would be much harder to deal with than the crazy idiot tyrants the city used to have.

He fixed his eyes on the watchmen moving into the crossfire. Losing Vimes would be a devastating blow to the city and therefore Vetinari's sanity. The man was so damn useful and dependable that he sometimes had to remind himself that it wasn't a scam. As a bonus, he was also ridiculously hard to kill.

And then there was Detritus. Vetinari had overlooked his usefulness before and now felt a fool for it. That trip to Klatch woke him up to the troll's possibilities. Obedience and assertion rarely ever converged, but Detritus had both and managed to make it work seamlessly. Vetinari was certain that the sergeant would follow Vimes anywhere. What really interested him was the thought of what Detritus could accomplish without his commander.

But that would have to wait.

* * *

The bathing pool had started to crack and leak as a result of Cheery's lack of experience in building water features, but the problem arose at a useful time as it gave Cheery an excuse to interrogate dwarfs about the murder and the hostilities towards the trolls. People don't like to talk to watchmen, but it was fine to talk to someone who needs help with plumbing and waterproofing. She was able to get a surprising amount of information that way. Detritus didn't understand how she could make people talk without threatening them. He decided it was probably a dwarf thing and got back to work. The street brawl had left problems to deal with and the day would only get longer.

* * *

And then there was Brick. Brick was in jail for attacking Vimes among other things. Detritus had given the kid his teeth back with an invite to join the Watch if he ever cleaned up. It was what he normally did for trolls who hadn't caused any trouble while in the cells.

Detritus didn't notice anything too special about him other than his ability to keep fighting when strung out on almost every troll drug out there. Detritus had assumed it was because he was a naturally violent troll with lots of stamina. So it seemed odd to him how accepting and docile Brick turned out to be.

It was cases like this that got him thinking and thinking was a terrible habit. He needed a second opinion or his thoughts would just keep rolling around aimlessly. He wanted to ask Sergeant Flint for his input, but he seemed strangely reluctant to talk. Detritus approached Bauxite instead.

"Is Sergeant Flint avoiding me?" he asked offhandedly.

Bauxite froze for a second. "Is he? I didn't notice," he said tactfully dodging the question.

That was not something he wanted to be caught in the middle of. Detritus hadn't found out about Flint's efforts to flirt with Ruby and there was bound to be trouble if and when he did.

"What do you think of that Brick?" Detritus asked after a long pause.

"Him? He's street trash. I say he definitely could of killed that dwarf."

Detritus looked absently at the overcast sky. The clouds seemed to smother the city, trapping in the stench of the garbage. Soon the rain would flow through the gutters to the places where filth belonged. Sinking.

"I think he's innocent," Detritus told the sky.

"I get what you're saying," Bauxite said with a grin. "The poor guy's probably too stupid to lift a club. He wouldn't know which dwarf is a grag even if you gave him a picture. He doesn't know anything."

The insult wasn't far off the mark but it was still mean. Detritus leered at Bauxite but he wasn't paying attention.

"He doesn't have a chance out there," said Bauxite with a bit more sympathy. "Proof or not, dwarfs are gonna be all over him. You get a group of them together and they can break a troll like him apart like nothing."

"It's weird though," said Detritus. "He didn't say anything bad about dwarfs. It's like he doesn't hate them."

"He definitely hates them. I mean, why would he have been fighting them if he didn't?"

"Not everyone hates dwarfs. You don't."

"Sure I do," said Bauxite proudly. "All trolls hate dwarfs. It's traditional. I just hate them in a more symbolic sort of way. Have you thought that maybe he isn't a troll? Bricks aren't rocks you know."

"You're saying he's a golem?"

"He's not like any other troll I've seen that's for sure. You should check his head for a chem next time you see him."

"Are you serious?" Detritus said a little annoyed. "Even if he had one, it's definitely gone with all the slab he's been doing. I'm surprised he can still stand up!"

"There's your proof then. He can't be a real troll because the troll drugs don't work on him. Do golems have drugs? Maybe you can test some on him."

Detritus shook his head and left without answering. Bauxite shrugged his shoulders and clocked out. If Brick wasn't a real troll, then he sure as hell would be if Detritus ever got ahold of him.

* * *

Bauxite placed a stone back on the counter at Cultured Lady Rocks.

"Awe come on Ruby, it's a good one."

"No it's not," said Ruby, pushing it back into his hands. "You've got the timing wrong. I can't sell that one."

"But I really need the money. Please."

"I'm not buying any sedimentary rocks," Ruby said harshly. "I have a reputation to uphold that's worth more than whatever debt you've gotten yourself into."

"It's not like that. I'm saving up." Bauxite stood at attention as if saving money was a medal worthy achievement.

"Then you'll have plenty of time to pick up some better rocks," said Ruby. "I know you can. The ones you sold to me from Lancre were very popular."

"It's a long way to go for rocks," Bauxite muttered sadly.

It was painful for Ruby to watch his optimism deflate so quickly. She let out a sigh.

"What is it you're saving for anyway?" she asked.

Bauxite brightened. "I'm gonna start a business just like you. I want to open a cold place and charge people to sit in it!"

Ruby paused for a moment. The retort that she had prepared died in her mouth.

"That's… a really good idea actually…"

* * *

Then the Diamond King walked into Detritus' life and changed his world.

* * *

Brick's testimony had gone so well up until Vimes started asking questions about Mr. Shine. Detritus never liked talking about the Diamond King and especially disliked the idea of telling a non-troll about him. It was only half an hour ago that he had gotten to see Mr. Shine in person for the first time. The experience had shaken him more than he'd like to admit.

Mr. Shine had given him custody of Brick. That was just about the most binding contract one could get. If Mr. Shine said Brick was his son then it was true no matter what. Brick's real parents could walk in right that second and there would be no negotiation. In an instant, Mr. Shine had changed almost every aspect of Detritus' life and his commander expected him to justify him!

Then Mister Vimes targeted Brick with his pressing questions about Mr. Shine and Detritus lost it. He roared his refusal to allow anyone to harass the young troll who had gone through so much. He shouldn't have to explain his beliefs like some sort of cultist. How was it okay for Vimes to badger trolls but not dwarfs? Mr. Shine deserved respect. He had only been helpful and somehow Vimes didn't see it. It wasn't just that though. Detritus hated to see Brick being treated like a criminal and not the witness that he was. They were here to take a testimony not a confession.

Detritus scowled at Mister Vimes, but his anger wasn't aimed at him anymore. He hated this whole damn Koom Valley junk but mostly he hated himself for blowing up on the man he respected more than anyone, even Mr. Shine. Detritus obeyed the Diamond King, but Vimes was different. Vimes was real.

* * *

Detritus wished he could talk to Ruby about Brick but that meant that he would have to tell her first and he didn't even want to think about that at the moment. Why did Bauxite have to leave work early when he needed him? And Sergeant Flint seemed to always be extremely busy nowadays. Detritus wasn't very close to any of the other trolls in the watch so he had no one to confide in about Mr. Shine.

He had never noticed before but none of his closest friends had children other than Mister Vimes who probably didn't want to talk to him after that outburst. No, what he needed now was someone who understood rocks. If you can understand rocks, you can understand trolls.

Detritus decided to ask Cheery for help and found her down in the basement. She didn't seem too happy about the prospect of talking to him.

"Cheery? Did you see that troll, the one that looks like bricks?"

"Of course I have," she said, not looking up from her work. "I may live in a hole in the ground but I still have eyes."

She was a dwarf after all. With the air so thick with Koom Valley smog, it was near impossible to not be effected by it.

"After I took his statement, he asked me to be his lawyer," said Detritus, starting with something small.

"Good luck with that," said Cheery sharply.

"But I'm not a lawyer. I never even thought he _could_ pick me. Why would anyone want me to be a lawyer of them?"

Cheery took a steadying breath and let it out as if trying to blow away the smoke in her eyes caused by Koom Valley. She was a watchman and her work was one of the few places she had left where she didn't have to deal with that rubbish. With a clearer head, she turned to face him.

"I don't know. Did you do something to him?" she asked.

"Nothing outside of reasonable force. It's only been— He's got no reason to like me."

"Maybe he recognizes you? You're not exactly a low profile officer."

"I don't think so. He didn't say anything when he saw me first. Why would he like me when I'm the one who put him in the cells? And you know what? I got mad at Mister Vimes. The troll who almost killed him was right there and I get mad at the victim! Something about that kid just doesn't feel right."

"You seem to be really interested in him."

"I have to be…" muttered Detritus as he sat down on a bench by Igor's table.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You were there. You saw Mr. Shine give Brick to me. What do I do? I'm a father now…"

"Really? I thought you were just supposed to look after him."

"No, Mr. Shine gave him to me to keep. He is my son now. I can't disobey Mr. Shine."

Cheery glared down at her work. She didn't know much about the Diamond King, but Detritus' worries seemed legitimate. Why would—? No, she knew the answer. It was because bloody politics and tradition had taken away Detritus' choice. It was one of those injustices that Cheery hated.

"I can see why you're so worked up," she said. "The kid's a load of slag. Well, you have been known to go against tradition every so often. You don't really have to adopt Brick."

"No you don't understand," said Detritus jumping to his feet. "I want Brick to be my son! I just…" He sighed and sat back down. "I'm gonna mess him up even more. He needs help and I… I can't do that."

Cheery had never seen Detritus so defeated and distant. This couldn't be the same troll whose crossbow was a siege weapon.

"Then there's only one option," she said kindly. "You have to tell Ruby. She's a smart lady. She'll know what to do."

* * *

Detritus plodded on toward Hide Park. At this time of day, Ruby would just be getting home from work. He hoped she had had a good day. Maybe it would make telling her the news a little easier. Detritus had left Brick at the watchhouse. He didn't want the kid to have to be there if Ruby got mad. Mostly he didn't want to ruin his chances by letting her see how pathetic her new drug-addled son looked. He was so deep in thought that he hadn't noticed someone had been trying to get his attention for the past minute or so.

"Um, excuse me…"

Detritus turned around. It was another troll that he didn't recognize. There were a lot of those lately as trolls from everywhere moved into the city to join the war or maybe just to watch people kill each other. This one didn't seem to fit into either category. It was all hunched over and frail looking. With its body all scrunched up like that, Detritus couldn't even tell if he was talking to a male or a female troll and the voice was so eerily quiet. The troll kept on looking away as if afraid someone would see them.

"If you don't mind… um… I just wanted to th- thank you for um…"

The troll blushed and muttered something inaudible. Detritus looked at it with confusion trying to remember what he could possibly have done to scare the troll so much. Then he stopped wondering because the possible answers started to stack too high.

"I don't really remember you," Detritus said, "but I'm sorry for anything I did."

The troll cringed and bent his shoulders forward defensively, trying to look small. This is not an easy feat.

"I… I, I'm sorry… I'll just, um—"

"There you are, Alkali!" shouted a huge female troll behind him. "You said you'd only be gone a minute. That was a half hour ago!"

Detritus recognized her but couldn't recall her name. Eventually, he remembered the lady rock he had put the memory in. It was Agate, the old troll he had met in Sto Lat.

"Hey Detritus, stop scaring my boyfriend!" she shouted.

Detritus glanced at the thin troll. This couldn't possibly be him, right? The troll in front of him lowered his head and blushed madly. He started creeping backwards, but Agate stood behind him and blocked his retreat.

"Oh, stop being such a pebble," said the girl playfully.

She spun him around and gave him a love tap on his forehead that made him stagger. Emboldened by the supportive presence of his girlfriend, the skinny troll lifted his head just enough that he could see him.

"Well, you see…"

Alkali went silent and Agate took over.

"What he means to say is—"

Alkali suddenly brought his head up to face him with a determined expression. He drew himself up to his full height.

"Thank you so much, sir! You brought Agate to me and I— You're my idol, sir! I'd do anything to repay you, sir!"

"Uh, that's, nice?" said Detritus. "I, er, don't really know what to say. Thank you, I guess, but I don't need any payment."

"There has to be something, anything…"

Now that Alkali was standing straight, he was considerably taller than Detritus. He loomed over him with the kind of depressingly hopeful air of a giant clown waiting for his teacher's approval. Detritus caved under the unmitigated pressure of expectation.

"I'm uh, looking for some rock sized rocks, you know, for Ruby's shop. Maybe you can pick up a few?"

Agate beamed and Alkali's eyes sparkled. He quaked with excitement.

"That would be amazing, sir! I know you only accept the best. I won't let you down."

Detritus didn't have the heart to tell him that his wife probably wouldn't stock them. She was picky when it came to lady rocks.

* * *

When he got home, he took a moment to go over his explanation one last time before telling his wife. It didn't help calm him much.

"Ruby…" said Detritus hovering by the door to her room as if securing an escape route.

"What have you done this time?" she asked, correctly reading his face.

Detritus couldn't say what he wanted to say, but he did manage to look at her.

"You killed someone didn't you?" said Ruby with irritation.

"No! It's not like that. It's kinda the opposite…"

Ruby suspiciously watched her husband search for words. She had never before seen such a complicated emotion on his face. Even when Cuddy died, he kept a simple and distilled reaction of mourning and anger. This emotion was beyond Ruby's abilities to interpret, but it seemed to her to be something close to guilt. What was the opposite of killing, of ending a life?

A horrible thought took hold of her.

"You coprolite slab of sediment!" she roared. "Who is it? I will tear her apart!"

Ruby's rage burned consumed her. She struck out with a rock hard punch that knocked him to the ground. She landed heavily on top of him and hit him hard enough to chip a chunk of stone off his chin. The next blow sent one of his diamond teeth flying.

"You bastard! How long has this been going on? Escort missions, my ass! You couldn't have your pebble with me so you went to some young piece of gravel and got what you wanted! What kind of—"

Ruby suddenly stopped. Doubt crept into her mind as earthquakes broke out along Detritus' fissures from the crushing and unstable force of his stones being so desperately pressed together in fear. He stared at her, shocked by the anger he had never felt from her before and frozen by the nagging idea that he deserved this somehow.

"What did you do?" Ruby growled, lowering her fist slowly.

"Mr. Shine came to me…"

Normally, if someone tried to use that as an excuse, she would have pummeled them to dust for their disrespect, but she knew her husband too well. He wouldn't lie about Mr. Shine. But the anger had to go somewhere.

"Oh yeah, and Mr. Shine told you to cheat on me?" she shouted and punched the ground next to Detritus' head. "Are you daft? You got taken in! I am going to kill Flint for messing with you! The real Diamond King wouldn't tell you to do that!"

"I didn't cheat and I wasn't tricked! Mr. Shine gave him to me! What was I supposed to do? I can't leave him. He chose me!"

Ruby fell silent for a few minutes before moving aside to let Detritus stand up. He explained what had happened and what was expected of him. Ruby listened carefully, asking questions until she felt she understood him. Then she went to retrieve his tooth and gave it back to him with a quiet apology before leaving the room. His wife's reaction didn't match up with any of Detritus' expectations. He thought that she would be happy to have a son, or maybe angry that she had no choice. She could have been excited to have something new in her life and an extra pair of hands for the shop. Detritus had put most of his bets on her being critical about being given such a defective son, but none of that happened. Ruby simply voiced her acceptance and said nothing of it, but Detritus knew that something had hurt her deeply. She insisted she was fine with the change and that Brick deserved to be looked after. She reassured Detritus that he would be a good father and that Mr. Shine had been spot on when he decided who should care for Brick, but that was it.

Ruby hated Brick and Detritus didn't know why.

* * *

Detritus got permission from Mister Vimes to take Brick with them on their mission to Koom Valley. He looked forward to spending some time with his new son, but that was one of the very few good things about going there. He figured that maybe all Ruby needed was some time to process things and she'd be okay.

He hoped that was all it was.

.

.

.

.

.

Sorry about the wait. I blame Christmas.


	11. Chapter 11

Detritus' morphic field was so weak in the heat of Koom Valley that could barely feel his hands and feet, but he didn't complain. He was a watchman and this was his duty. He had to or he wasn't a watchman and what would he be if he weren't a watchman?

The squad stopped for a break by a small river. Brick just dunked his head in but Detritus went upstream where some shrubs offered a modicum of privacy. He put one foot into the rushing water and froze as a rare sliver of pain shot up his leg. Trolls didn't usually feel much pain. Their bodies were rock hard after all, but this was internal. His joints crunched and hissed as he lowered himself into the water. He closed his eyes to block out the sun. Soon his temperature evened out and the aching paralysis subsided. He lay down and let the cool water flow over him. He missed Ruby. She would often join him in his daily baths.

"Sir?"

Detritus' eyes snapped open to find Brick standing in front of him.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he shouted in surprise.

"You're blocking the stream, sir," Brick said bluntly.

Detritus sat up and noticed the reservoir that had formed behind him. He was going to move but Brick just plopped into the water.

"Thanks," Brick said curtly before ducking beneath the surface.

Detritus stared at the top of Brick's head. Washing still wasn't widely accepted in Ankh-Morpork, but apparently Brick didn't care. Then again, there were a lot of things that Brick didn't care about. Even dwarfs didn't faze him. He always did what he was told and he never started any fights. It was strange, like nothing interested him at all.

It hit Detritus that he didn't know a thing about Brick or what was important to him. He wasn't looking forward to asking. Maybe it would be better if he didn't ask at all.

* * *

There was so much tension in the air in Ankh-Morpork that it almost drowned out the smell. After the Watch got involved, the hostilities had dwindled into just street brawls, but Ruby could foresee it all going downhill in a flash. She wished Detritus were there. His presence calmed her and she needed that now.

Lance-Constable Bauxite was a helpful distraction from the chaos. As a watchman, the fighting had put a weight on his shoulders. He coped by spending all his off hours at Colors where Ruby had outlawed the words 'Koom' and 'Valley.' The rule attracted a lot of female trolls to the shop who were tired of the excessive machismo everywhere else. Anyone who was anyone had a lady rock and ladies don't get caught up in uncouth squabbles unless it was important.* The clients at Cultured Lady Rocks had started to emulate Ruby's unique set of values. Maybe it was the presence of the rocks that swayed them. They did tend to have a profound effect on people.

Although his timing was still off sometimes, Bauxite had gotten rather good at reading lady rocks. He would often sit and hold them after work to calm himself down.

"How is it that I can tell which day this rock was picked up?" he asked Ruby. "I can even feel the weather."

"Oh that, the lady rocks can remember stuff that happened when they're collected. Even the ones that Detritus first gave me still have the memory clear as day. I can feel the love he felt when he picked it up and some of the things he did that day while it was with him."

"What? Really? Can I see your collection?"

"No, those are mine!" she shouted and clipped the back of his head. "If you're really so interested in what Detritus thinks of me then just use the ones built into the wall over there."

Bauxite kneeled next to the repaired wall. The stones had been worn down a little from people touching them so often. He put out his hand and focused hard on one of the lady rocks.

"Wow!" he said, moving to another. "They're so much easier to read than yours. So anyone who comes here can feel these memories just like I can?"

"I guess if they tried, but they're nothing special. Those don't have much in them because they're low quality."

Bauxite turned back to her. He had sparkles in his eyes and a smile full of diamonds.

"This is awesome! I have to add this to my idea. Thanks ruby," he said and ran out the door.

Ruby sighed in the dreary vacuum of reality that filled the space when Bauxite's exuberance left. The world returned bearing the heavy mark of Koom Valley once again. Ruby looked out the window annoyed at the stupidity that kept on interrupting her happiness. Something had to be done or the whole city would crack. Someone had to take charge and lead trolls out of the clouds of unnecessary hatred. The city needed Mr. Shine and Ruby was not going to let him sit idly by while his people suffered. If they're not leading, then what are kings for?

.

.

*Then you'd better get out of the way. It was also very ladylike to beat the hell out of any troll who was asking for it, but you always kept things personal and never bragged about it.

* * *

She found Mr. Shine lurking in the alleyways like a stray dog. It was sickening. Who was this defective god who crept around in fear? Ruby stepped out from a doorway and blocked his path.

"Hello Mr. Shine," she said, her disgust audible in her voice.

"How did you find me?" he said calmly.

Ruby stepped forward so she could see him face to face.

"I'm the second most sensitive lady rock specialist in the city," she growled. "Did you really think you could hide forever? You think I can't feel a giant diamond wandering around?"

"I assume you're not here to exchange pleasantries."

As a response, Ruby punched Mr. Shine with a resounding crack. She swore.

"Sorry," he said. "I _am_ made of diamond. What is it you want?"

"I don't care if you were made of chocolate! You're a bloody king! Now get out there and do your job!"

"It's not as simple as that," Mr. Shine sighed as if he had answered this question many times before. "What am I supposed to do? These things take time. I cannot change the minds of every troll in the city."

"Aren't you some sort of messiah? You figure it out!"

"I am not a hero."

"You are to them and that's what I need to save my husband. Go hug a dwarf or something!"

"That's not quite—"

Ruby pushed him against a wall.

"This isn't necessary," he grunted. "You can't hurt me remember? Nothing is stronger than diamond."

"There's more than one way to kill a sham troll like you."

Mr. Shine glared at her but made no attempt to struggle.

"Is that your goal, murder? You say I'm a king. Would you really try to destroy me?"

"Why would I bother to destroy you when you can do it yourself? I have friends in low places, Your Shininess. How long will you last, hm? Detritus was a very simple troll when he got trapped in the warehouse. He turned to numbers to fill his thoughts. What will you have? What kind of memories will be playing in your head over and over speeding up until you die?"

The two trolls stood for a moment each trying to find the other's weakness.

"This doesn't need to go that far," said Mr. Shine unable to conceal the emotion in his words.

"Then get on with it! Do something, anything!"

"I told you—"

Ruby backhanded the legendary king of all trolls.

"I'll do it myself then!" she shouted and pointedly ignored the pain in her hand.

Mr. Shine stared at her with eyes that seemed to look right through her.

"You're Detritus' wife aren't you?" he said. "This isn't about the war is it?"

Ruby's arms shook with pent up resentment. The shame of attacking the god king threatened to push her to her knees but she'd be damned before she let on. Still, she couldn't help but worry about what Detritus would think if he saw her like this. She broke eye contact.

"Why did you give brick to us?" she asked with more reverence and distress than her pride intended. "Why couldn't you have given us a real pebble? Am I really not good enough? You thought I couldn't handle it? All this time I've wanted a child and it didn't happen and you thought it would take the bloody king of trolls to interfere before I got one. I could have done it on my own. I didn't need your help! What is this? You felt sorry for us? You have no right to choose things for me!"

Mr. Shine caught her fist before it landed and twisted her arm. His eyes blazed, making his body glow softly red. The thousands of reflective facets spilled an eerie tinted light onto the walls of the back alley.

"You selfish speck of sand!" he spat. "You think this is about you? I gave Brick to your husband because he needed someone to guide him and care for him! I knew that Detritus had the skills necessary to save Brick. All I want from you is for you to continue living and supporting him just as you have been all along so he can use his abilities in doing what he thinks is right.

I never asked you to care for Brick and you need not even look at him, but Detritus won't let Brick go no matter what you say or feel about him and if you don't allow Detritus that space to care for the troll that he already considers his son then you are only hurting him. I expect you to love your husband and nothing more.

Do you know what Brick's life was like before I found him? Have you even met him?"

Mr. Shine shoved Ruby away from him and when she turned around, he was gone.

* * *

"Mr. Shine is nothing but a quack," Ruby grumbled at Topaz. "I have to do something to stop this craziness. Mr. Shine sure isn't interested, but I don't know any dwarfs other than Cheery and she went to Koom Valley."

"Rocky knows some. There are loads of dwarfs in the printing business. I bet he could hook you up. Got to be careful though. They'll print anything in the paper."

"It's a good idea but not many trolls can even read the newspaper. I need something bigger, something that can change their minds all at once."

"It'd have to be as big as a mountain to get the attention of all the trolls in Ankh-Morpork."

A small smile began to form on Ruby's face as an idea came together in her mind.

"Well, if one legend won't get the job done then I've got to get another one. Nana owes me a favor."

"Who's Nana?" Topaz asked.

"You'll recognize her when you see her."

Ruby and Topaz made their way over to the Tump, an area of the city that was much higher and rockier than the rest. No one really lived on the Tump which was strange when you think about it. A lot of nobbs like to build houses on hills and such but they didn't go near the Tump. It had something to do with in-sewer-ants.

You see, Nana didn't live on the Tump. She was the Tump, an ancient troll. Nana had lived in the Sto Plains all her life and was none too happy about some stupid town being built near her home. She used to terrorize the little city until she got too tired to bother. By that time, the mountains had long been calling her, but she refused to leave her home when there were humans running amok doing whatever they liked so she settled down to philosophize outside the town of Ankh.

Back when the city was young, she would often wake up and wipe away buildings that kept showing up around her as the city expanded. People eventually caught on… sort of and stopped building on the Tump. As time went on however, she became less and less active and faded into legend.

Nana was about to wake up one last time.

* * *

Lord Vetinari glanced over the report just handed to him by one of his informants. He raised an eyebrow. His mouth twitched.

"You may go now," he told the clerk. "Send in Drumknott on your way out."

Vetinari's personal secretary appeared promptly.

"You needed me sir?"

"Ah yes, I require a witness. I do not wish to doubt my memory in the future."

Drumknott was instantly on alert. Doubt was not a common occurrence in the Oblong Office. The Patrician was practically shaking.

"Sir? Are you all right?"

"This is a most unusual circumstance. I will require your opinion afterwards as to how I should avoid it in the future."

Suddenly Vetinari bust out in uncontrollable laughter. He let it run its course naturally for exactly thirty seconds before suppressing it.

"I had forgotten how thrilling it is to laugh like that. Thank you for your assistance. I expect your report by tomorrow. Ready the carriage will you? This will be quite the spectacle."

He handed Drumknott the notice he had received from his spy and dismissed him. Two seconds later, he could hear his clerk giggling madly. Vetinari stowed some papers in his desk and picked up his cane. He wasn't going to miss this for the world.


	12. Chapter 12

"Where did you get that ice?" asked Topaz as Ruby placed the blocks in a seemingly random crevice on the Tump.

"I don't know. Lady Sybil gave it to me. She said something about a milkman."

"Milk? Isn't that made of goats? Goats are nasty."

Ruby and Topaz hustled down the hill to a safe distance. Neither of them had a clue how long it would take for the ice to take effect, but they were damn sure they didn't want to be too close when it did.

"Sometimes I think goats are worse than dwarfs. Those eyes just aren't right. I don't know what kind of sicko would actually—"

The ground rumbled around them and they took a few cautionary steps backward. Ancient trolls tended to be a bit irrational when woken. Ruby just hoped that Nana would be coherent enough to talk. A crag started to lift out of the rocks revealing a barely recognizable face. Topaz ran for cover.

The rumbling paused for a moment and people began to appear around the area, not too close but close enough to say they had been there even though they didn't know what was going on. The tremors continued as Nana started moving again. Eventually she managed to lift her head and open her eyes.

"What's all this?" Nana's voice boomed like an earthquake. "You've got a bloody infestation of dwarfs!"

"Good morning, Nana. Its nice to—

"What are all these humans doing 'ere? This ain't a farm you know. Is that a vampire? You're all gone insane. I aught to smash the whole lot of you."

The clacks tower and a smattering of buildings toppled off her back as she slowly extracted her arms from the bedrock. Nana's threats did nothing to deter citizens from joining the audience.

"Oh… now I remember," Nana said suddenly placid. "Legs... I'm supposed to have legs."

"Nana, I'm sorry that—"

"Legs, right? They've got to be around here somewhere."

Ruby stepped forward to take advantage of the ancient troll's temporary distraction.

"I need a favor, Nana."

Nana peered down at Ruby, her search for legs momentarily forgotten.

"And who the hell are you waking me up like this? I get no respect!"

"My name is Ruby," she said as confidently as possible. "Long ago my mother's lots grands mother helped you. Do you remember? I am her descendant and I'm cashing in."

"You little whelp! I ain't never took help from nobody!"

"Does the name Garnetta ring a bell?"

Nana's stone lips formed a sneer. "Oh… her… She don't count cuz I never asked for her to meddle."

"They set you on fire!"

"I could of handled it."

Ruby stared into one of Nana's eyes with her arms crossed.

"Oh alright, whatever. What do you want?"

"Do you remember Koom Valley?"

"Vaguely. I think I have a tunnel through my foot… Is that my foot?

"Yeah well, there are a load of trolls that are getting all worked up about it again."

"Seriously? Lousy men, they're all just pebbles squabbling with those gritsuckers again. They aught to be out killing somethin' useful. Dwarfs don't even taste good! Everyone knows that Koom Valley was just an excuse for boys to go snarling and making noise about how big and bad they was. They were all just sitting around yelling at those stupid dwarfs and nothing ever got done. It was a stupid excuse to get out of chores!"

"Exactly," shouted Ruby over the grumbling of the crowd. "Nothing good can come out of that now can it?"

"Look at you all!" Nana continued. "Stop slouching! In my day trolls didn't have to wear skulls. We could scare anyone with just a look and a flash of teeth. What's wrong with you all? Don't you got any respect for yourselves? If your many lots granddaddies could see you, they'd get you straight. Listen to your Nana and get back to work you lazy clods! What would your mother say?"

A troll in the crowd spoke up. "I'm his mother and I say splat them all!"

"Well I'm you're mother's lots grands mother and I got seniority over all ya! Is that a werewolf? What have you loonies been doing to my city? You've probably been letting some stupid scrawny human run the place. You all disgust me! Go back to your mothers and learn some real manners, scum bags!

And what are all you dwarfs doing here? Don't you have anything better to do than wave your little axes all day? Why the hell are you lot up here anyways? I remember when there were real dwarfs. Where's the monuments? You haven't even made a bloody ziggurat! Dwarfs used to have respect and huge open caverns carved into the living mountains! Huge statchoos and these things that were all squares and stuff. What the 'ell have you snots been doing all this time? If there are gonna be grubby dwarfs in my city, I don't want no half pint lumps of soggy mud lying around.

Now Waterforger, he was a real Dwarf! Oh, that Waterforger gave me what for. Nastiest little gritsucker I ever met! We used to try to kill each other all the time back when. Always came back too, loyal as ever. He had eyes like a volcano that could set a troll running from a mile away."

Nana sighed at the fond memory then glared back down at the dwindling amount of dwarfs still congregated. The group took a few steps backward ready to run at any time. Nana rummaged in the rubble and produced an enormous battleaxe. She squinted at the group of dwarfs with a disinterested expression.

"Well a dwarf's a dwarf. Never did find out what happened to old Waterforger, but that thing got stuck in my neck last time a saws him. Might as well take it back."

She flicked the huge battleaxe nonchalantly towards the group of dwarfs making them scatter like fish. Nana slowly lowered her head. All the excitement had gotten to her.

"Thank you so much Nana," said Ruby. "You've been so helpful."

"Nah, you don't have to thank me," said Nana lazily opening her eyes. "Those sedimentary trolls had it coming to 'em. You're so needy. Trolls are weak now a days. You have to rely on old Nana to save your stones."

Ruby was suddenly self-conscious. The adrenaline faded and the reality of what she had done was just sinking in. She studied the face of what was most likely the oldest living troll on the disc. This would probably be the last time Nana would wake.

"I want to give you something in return," said Ruby unsure if she would hear her.

"I've already got philosophy. I've got no use for other stuff."

Nana waved her finger tiredly. She only had three of them left. Topaz joined them again, braver now that Nana had stopped shouting. Ruby sighed. Suddenly she felt something, a tiny flutter that traveled up her body from her feet. It felt like water was filling up inside her from far away. She could smell Detritus. She could feel a subtle pressure of his presence. Something was happening to him. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't something she could ignore.

"I… will have a gift for you soon," Ruby said uncertainly. "This will make even you smile. I promise. My husband is making something beautiful right now."

Nana grumbled in a way that shook the ground for blocks.

"Husbands tend to forget what you told em."

"I didn't tell him to do it," said Ruby. "I don't understand how I know but it is true. I can feel it."

"Goat shit, lady. You can't know that. The clacks is out."

Nana stuck her thumb in the direction of a pile of rubble that was once the grand trunk out of Ankh-Morpork.

"You know about the clacks?" asked Topaz.

"I may be slow but I'm not stupid. I mean its right on top a me! Brill thing to. I know everything that goes on in the Tump. There's a couple a dwarfs living in my foot that don't pay their rent… I'm pretty sure that's my foot anyway."

"Maybe I am just imagining it, but I feel something," said Ruby. "Detritus is doing something in Koom Valley and it's important."

"That's one hellova connection if you can feel him from here. That's either a lie or you've got the best soul on the disc," Nana smiled softly at her and reached out a massive finger. "You're not a liar. I can tell. I can feel it when I touch you. You're a lady, a good mother."

Ruby hesitated. "I… I have a son." It was the first time she had really admitted to Brick being her son.

"He's lucky," Nana whispered. "Any pebble of yours is gonna grow great. I know. I've seen a lot of trolls grow up. Take care of your kids. They're worth more than anything else."

* * *

Ruby rounded the corner and made her way through the crowd of people surrounding the watch house. Steady in the chaos, Detritus stood in the middle.

No one dared to stop her as Ruby pushed people aside to hug her husband. Hugs were once awkward for them but as the years went by, they had found ways that made the action feel natural. It was a little embarrassing to do it in public since it involved shifting their stones, but at this point Ruby couldn't care less what other people thought. She had Detritus back and that was all that mattered. Unfortunately, their clothes got in the way so they had to make do with holding hands. They melted them together until she couldn't tell one stone from the other.

_So this is why humans hold hands. _she thought_. They're wearing clothes all the time._

Some of the troll officers around them made a deep sound of approval. One of them chucked a small rock in the trollish equivalent of a wolf whistle. Detritus waited impatiently for Ruby to finish pummeling the guy before he scooped her up again.

It hit him just how much he had missed her. There in her arms, he felt safe for the first time since he left. Detritus was a strong and capable troll. The trip to Koom Valley hadn't fazed him much. He was a street smart troll. He knew what fear was and how to push through it, but he was also a very simple being. He had never perfected the human art of lying to oneself. The fear was still there. The doubt was still there. He just felt it afterwards when he was safe to do so. It was a simple answer that worked out well for him. In Ruby's loving embrace, the reality of it all hit home. Those thoughts that he had not allowed himself to think rose to the surface. The emotions had built up and as he hugged her they came gushing out. He couldn't let go of her, not even if Mister Vimes ordered it.

She kissed him as she had seen humans do before. She had never really understood, but now it just seemed right. She wanted to feel the warmth inside him and to know he was real. The best place to do that was through a hole that went straight inside him. That must have been why humans did it.

As she kissed him, Detritus felt something different. Yes he had never been kissed before but there was something new. He leaned back to look at her. Her lips were smooth and polished. She had buffed her cheeks a little too. Detritus blushed and suddenly realized where they were and how many more people were looking at them. There was even that vampire iconographer standing there grinning at them. He had taken a bloody picture, that rat! Detritus had a sudden urge to make sure the journalist died properly, but he couldn't move.

Those lips, a seam of crystals sparkled uncovered by the polish. The color shone even brighter than when she was wet and suddenly all he wanted was to see her whole body like that.

Suddenly, Ruby's face was wrought with fear. He glanced over at Brick and saw the look mirrored there. Ruby was talking to him but he couldn't hear. Detritus felt something on his cheeks. He touched his face. Anyone else would see tears on his hand, but trolls can't cry. Detritus was bleeding from his eyes.

He tried to focus back on his wife, but his brain wouldn't respond. His body wouldn't move at all.

* * *

Detritus awoke in the showers in the watch house. His whole body felt terrible. Ruby was there with Brick. He noticed Cheery, Vimes, and Bauxite too. They all looked so scared.

"Alright, you're awake," said Cheery. "I was worried for a moment there. Doctor Lawn is going to meet us at your house. Can you walk?"

"You solidified," said Bauxite who had helped carry him in. "I'd never seen it before. Usually only high mountain trolls do that and that's only the really big ones. Trolls like that don't ever even make it to Ankh-Morpork! How did that happen?"

Detritus didn't want to explain. Luckily, Bauxite caught on that his presence wasn't needed anymore.

"You'll be okay right?" he said. "I should just, um go on ahead."

Pain shot through Detritus as he got to his feet, leaning heavily on his arms. His stones shook like the beginnings of a rockslide, and he looked more disproportionate than usual. Ruby propped herself under him to stabilize him. His stones were so loose that he could have sunk right through her if she let him, but this wasn't the time to think about that sort of thing. Detritus' morphic field was losing strength and no one wanted to think about what would happen if it fell apart completely.

"We don't want any press about this," said Commander Vimes. "Use the carriage instead of the wagon. You're in no shape to walk all the way home."

Lady Sybil and Dr. Lawn were already at the house when Detritus arrived. The bath had been drawn and Sybil had collected as much ice as she could. Lawn added it to the water chunk by chunk, cooling it down slowly so it didn't hurt so much.

It wasn't the greatest homecoming ever, but at least one good thing came out of it. Ruby and Brick managed to avoid awkward introductions and forced smiles. They were drawn together in mutual concern for Detritus' health. They instantly had a common ground to stand on. Nothing made Detritus happier than seeing his wife and son working together. It was like they were a real family. He imagined Young Sam and understood why Mister Vimes would go so far to see him again. This was right. This was worth protecting. This was worth keeping.

* * *

There was a rumor going around that Koom Valley was cursed, and if you spent too much time there, you got sick. This was Sergeant Flint's great contribution. He could always be counted on to find answers where there weren't any. He noticed that Sally was feeling miserable and Angua was looking a little sick too. The whole squad was weary so that proved there was a curse. Brick came up with the cunning 'cure' so to say. He said that he felt really sick in Koom Valley but when he went down into the caves he felt better. Superstitious trolls flocked to see the caverns. They made the effort, not because the caves held proof that trolls and dwarfs had worked together, but because they needed healing. Regardless of their motivations, they still saw it and that would have to be good enough.

It was amazing how stories could change how people thought and how legends could be made in such a short amount of time. Trolls have bad memories. The statues in a cave far away would be forgotten, but the legends would not. If you kill too many dwarfs then Nana would eat you and you better beware of the curse of Koom Valley.

Even the dwarfs had gained the legend of Waterforger the Challenger. He was the one who always pushed his limits and never gave up when beaten. He was the goal setter, the dwarf who could gain respect from anyone even the enemy, a dwarf who knew the value of conquering oneself, the embodiment of pride and self-motivation.

He turned out to be very popular with the businessmen of Ankh-Morpork. They used him to urge their employees to work harder when they were paid less.

* * *

The next day, even though Detritus was supposed to be resting, he and Ruby trudged up the Tump with a bag and a block of ice. Ruby had to speak to Nana one last time. The lady rocks Detritus had brought home were too difficult for her to keep by herself. She couldn't handle the emotional pressure inside them.

When she placed the ice, she half hoped Nana would ignore her. "I brought you something, Nana," she said. "Though I'm not sure how much of a gift it is…"

Nana opened her eyes slowly and grunted in recognition. Ruby extracted some lady rocks from her bag until she found the first one. She held it out to Nana. The ancient troll turned her head and lifted a finger so Ruby could set the rock on it. The whole Tump shuddered and shifted as Nana rose from her resting place and pulled herself almost upright propping herself up on her elbows. She delicately held the stone in her enormous hands, staring at it in awe.

"This… this is an honor," she said reverently. "Garnetta sure would be proud a you findin' something like this."

"I'm not the one who found it," said Ruby.

Nana fixed her gaze on Detritus. "So this is him is it?" She chuckled making some of her boulders come loose. "He doesn't look all that special."

"He's in disguise," said Ruby. "He has lots of skills. He made more than just that one. Though, I'm not sure you'll like the others."

Nana paused and for a moment. Ruby worried that she had gone back to sleep.

"I want to see them," said Nana in a voice that echoed like a cavern.

She reached down to Ruby and lifted the bag out of her hands. The memories raced into her. She could see everything that had gone on down in that cave that day. She could feel the fear and awe of the two trolls who sat in chains with the truth of Koom Valley set out in front of them. There were even echoes of the past, faint images of what had happened to the trolls from so long ago. Each lady rock was filled to bursting with Detritus' chaotic memories.

"You sure you want me to keep this?" said Nana slowing down as the ice melted. "Am I the right choice?"

"You have protected this city for longer than I can imagine," Ruby replied. "You are the only choice."

Nana closed her hands and pressed them to her chest. She bowed her head down over them protectively.

"Thank you, Ruby," she mumbled. "You've given this girl something really worth keepin'. Now we're definitely even." Her eyes blinked open one last time. "Just don't go waking me up again, ya hear."

.

.

.

.

.

Yeah, I kind of intended Nana to be Old Grandad's wife and they were two of the original trolls that Tak made. That would explain why the whole disc isn't overrun with trolls. The other two couples were yetis and knolls. Maybe gargoyles were made when Old Grandad had a fling with the knoll mother and that's why Nana divorced him.


End file.
